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Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Self Actualization

I was told today that they knew what my deal is. "You are still finding yourself." All because I said I went to brunch by myself. The subject was quickly changed being that it was not a one on one conversation. I usually like to surround myself with people that can jump from one topic to another in a very attention-deficit-disorder" sort of way, but I wish we elaborated on this perception of me. It was mentioned that I was comfortable with the identity that was given to me by others.

Lately I have been pondering that scenario. I don't believe I am finding myself. The reality of who I am is pretty secure. I am not finding myself. I discovered who I was in 7th grade. I grew into my own skin from 6th to 7th grade. In 6th grade I was concerned with being popular. When I started Junior High I had attained the status I wanted. I had made my clique. I quickly realized that being popular meant being in the mean girls group. If being popular meant being catty, I wanted no part of it. That's when I realized having one quality friend was better than having a bunch of fake friends. Being Mrs. Popularity was not for me. Moving to Florida that summer also impacted who I became.

Starting out in a new school and a new state was isolating. Not to mentioned that It was starting 8th grade in a new school. Middle school is awkward on its own. I was never taught to be girlie. I wasn't allowed to wear make up. My mom didn't know how to straighten my hair so I was always going au natural. In NY humidity was almost non existent. My mom didn't even buy me hair gel for my frizzy hair. I learned to manage.

In 8th grade I befriended the school outcast. To this day I don't understand why people didn't like her. I found her to be super exciting and intriguing. She went by "Woody". She was loud and opinionated. I truly admired that. I have always gravitated towards people that stand out. I have been a non conformist from a very young age.

One day one of the girls from the popular group came up to me and asked me "Why do you hang out with her? She is so strange. You could totally be hanging with us." I don't recall what I said but I will never forget how I felt. I was disgusted by her proposition. "Abandon the person that befriended me when I was the outsider just so I can be friends with a bunch of fake people?.. No thank you!"

Woody and I ended up going to different high schools. We kept in touch freshman year but then she moved out of the neighborhood. My mom didn't drive and so I was never taught either. Even if I took drivers Ed, she couldn't afford to buy me car. I never got to see Woody anymore. So I never spoke to Woody again. A friendship isn't the same when you stop seeing each other everyday. Many years down the line I found her on Facebook. But we didn't meet up. What's the
Point of having a FB friend if you're not going to reconnect. I did learn she was dating her 8th grade crush! 10 years later. That was exciting. I wonder if she knows that she was a major impact in my life and is still thought of today. I just suck at long distance friendships/relationships.

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