Downward Spiral

The very first day of August I was on my way to the doctor's office with my two boys. It was raining very hard and I was coming to a red light when I saw the car in front of me hydroplane. I panicked but my with good reason. I thought I was going to hydroplane myself. Call it a self fulling prophecy, but that is exactly what happened. I made the number one mistake of pressing down on the brakes thinking it would help but instead it locked up the steering wheel so I couldn't even change lanes to avoid crashing into the car in front of me.

The kids and I were physically fine. I did have a total panic attack. If it weren't for some good samaritans I would have stayed in the middle of the busy road, frozen. They were quick to get my battery reconnected so that I can put the car in neutral so they can push me to safety.

Now I know that everyone always says "the important thing was no one was hurt." Don't say that to a neurotic individual like myself because it doesn't help! Of course I am grateful no one got hurt but at that moment, "it could have been worst" was not making me feel better.

Great, just freaking great! I just crashed the car, that isn't even mine but relied on to get around. The car that I was not even on the insurance for. The fault was going to be given to me since I hit someone from behind.

I survived though. I survived to deal with the aftermath. The $164.00 ticket I have to pay for being a "careless driver." I am not even going to bother to fight it because the cop places the fear in you that the amount can double if I was to fight it and lose. Who can afford that? How can I prove that it wasn't my fault but rather the rain. The rain can't stimulate the economy by paying a $164.00 ticket or double if you are found guilty in court. Then will the insurance cover that poor innocent girls car? The days of waiting for what the insurance will say are terrifying. Can I be sued? Knowing that regardless of whether or not the insurance will cover the other girl's car, it still is not going to fix our car for the mistake (according to FHP) that was my fault.

If they do cover the other girls car, I still need to pay $1,000 for the deductible. The money I had saved to fix the car that actually belongs to us. I try to tell myself, at least I have the money. But a part of me just wants to yell LIFE IS SUCH A BITCH! So I become depressed. Depressed because I am stuck at home. Depressed because I don't know if I will have enough money left over to even fix the car. Depressed because I am suppose to be starting school full time again and won't have a way to get there. Oh Depressed because that happened to be the same week my parents were coming to visit me and the kids and I couldn't even take them out. Depressed because it was my birthday and I was so looking forward to doing something more exciting than just staying home at night. My birthday which landed on a Saturday. The one highlight was that my mother-in-law agreed to take me back to school shopping for Jayden just to make me feel better on my birthday. I did have fun in the day time shopping for my son. I even managed to get myself 2 pairs of shorts as my own birthday gift.

Another highlight was when last Sunday afternoon I was moping around the house and shared my feelings with the hubby and instead of him shrugging me off actually took initiative and got me out of the house. We walked to a shopping center nearby, had lunch, strolled around, had ice cream and watched a movie. I was extremely grateful but once I was in the house again I became depressed again.

I know I am being petty and I should try to just figure out a solution. But that is the epitome of depression. The tiniest little problem seems impossible to solve and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In my mind this is the end of world! Even though I should just be grateful that things could have been worst. It's way easier said than done. The depression keeps me wallowing in my self pity.