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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Letting go of Resentment

I have a problem with resentment. It never occurred to me that my resentment is the source of my issues. I am pretty sure that besides lack of communication, resentment played a huge role in the dissolution of my relationship.

Expressing my bad emotions to myself wasn't difficult, communicating them was the impossible thing. Communicating something I am feeling  takes me out of my comfort zone. I am always thinking,
 "Do I sound crazy for feeling this way?"
 "Am I being ridiculous?"
 "How will he react?"
 "How is he going to make me feel this is my fault?"

The way I see things in my mind barely portrays in my speech. There must be some bad wiring between my brain and my vocal chords.

Also at one point or another I communicated my feelings. However, it felt redundant and exasperating to say
"I would like you to pay more attention to me."
"I need you to tell me you love me."
"I need you to put your family first."
"I need you to care about things other than yourself"
"I need you to be less selfish"

At one point I said to myself these are not things that need to be told. It should come natural to a human being. So resentment just built. Worst I stopped trying myself because I took the lower road. I started acting nonchalant like him, but it was just that, an act. I did care. Which I know now it would be confusing to anyone. "You act like you don't care but you do?"

I resented his apathy the most. He probably resented my lack of empathy. Then again I never truly knew how he ever felt about anything. I always questioned his intentions. He lied so much I never trusted anything he said. So lets sum up some of the problems.

Mistrust
Apathy
Avoidance
Resentment

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