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Saturday, January 4, 2014

"V" for Vicissitude

Even before my friend V had a degree in psychology, she was my guru. She always asks me the difficult questions that everyone else is afraid to ask, most of the times I only have the wrong answers. Even though she takes me out of my comfort zone I adore her for it. She challenges me as an individual. Challenge is what makes me grown.

I have this detrimental flaw. I judge people for things that I myself am guilty of. Phew. There I said it. Step one, admitting I have a problem, is complete! So in light of the dissolution of my relationship, it is interesting enough that our friendship almost ended because I was not nourishing it. IRONY. It's my favorite literary device. Flaw number 2, I am oblivious to flaw number 1 at the time of its occurrence.

In a way V had broken up with me and I didn't take the hint. It was such a cliche 90's movie theme, where the girl is in denial that the popular jock no longer wants to be with the pretty cheerleader but she still chases him. When someone no longer wants me in their life they have to rent a billboard that reads:

Even then, I might just dismiss it and think you're going through a phase and you'll come around. Just ask my H.S. best friend Stephanie. She still hasn't come around but she will.

 If I haven't murdered a family member you loved there is no acceptable reason for that person to no longer want to be my friend. I am not a sociopath. I care if I hurt someone's feeling. I would never intentionally hurt anybody. I take no pleasure in people's misery.

So anyway, V simply walked away and left me in the dark about our friendship. But I am the little engine that could damn it! I like to think we are on the road to recovery. I was a black whole of cynicism and I don't blame her for not wanting to be around that. It's the main reason why I alienate myself from people when I don't feel there is anything positive in my life.

We are all guilty of mirroring the people we surround ourselves with.

Back to the the tough questions V asks me. Right around the "series of unfortunate events," V asked if I wanted to meet up with her. Of course I replied yes! After catching up on the short version of things she asked me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
I did not know how to answer. I had not really given it much thought. How can I NOT have a 5 year plan? So I went along with whatever my heart and imagination came up with. But then she would ask me follow up questions and the game got harder and harder. All I kept thinking was "Shit! I really am as fucked up as I think I am!"  But I came up with a life in 5 years that seemed worthy of me. V told me that I need to repeat these things to myself everyday and eventually I will succeed at all of them because I remind myself every day of where I wish to be. It was pretty transcending stuff.

I had been playing the role of the victim for so long that I depended on it. It was easier to say "well I am where I am because of so and so". I was so focused on the past that I was afraid to even think about my future. Now I am so focused on the present and my future is still difficult to imagine. Baby steps.

If you're curious to know what I said, this is how I see my life in 5 years,

I have an MBA and I am working for an Ad agency in some creative form. I dress edgy and fashionably. I imagined myself living in NYC, in a brownstone. I imagined I had a car but it would probably be illogical to drive in NY. However I still need a car to take weekend trips to Connecticut or Maine.

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