Lately I've been having this intense feeling of unworthiness. I can't seem to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. This feeling of unworthiness has alienated me from people. By the time I try to get close to the ones I love it feels like it's too late. I have always had a hard time relating to people. There are very few that I can have a deep connection with. I don't want superficial friends. I want people around that I can have deep conversations with. Most people are only out to have a good time and show the world how happy and fun they are through social media. No one seems to want to have a good heart to heart. Could they be trying to avoid reality like I am?
My fears have taken over me. When fear comes rushing in, nature calls for you to fight or flee. Many often forget the third plausible reaction to fear...freeze. I always seem to just freeze. I hate myself for it but it's all I know to do.
I am trapped in my mind. I am afraid that I will always be this unhappy lost little girl. I fear I can never be happy. I hate that feeling so much.
I recently re watched the film Revolutionary Road. Great film but pretty dark. It's films like that which I have been relating to the most lately. Sylvia is another one. In high school I hated the Bell Jar. Probably because I saw a bit of myself in it. Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coehlo is another book that best describes what I have been going though. I hate to make all these references without elaborating more on it but that's just me. Always trying to find art that imitates my life because I do not have the words to explain it myself.