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Saturday, February 14, 2015

One Year

My perception of time is surely warped. It feels like it's been longer than a year but then I say "Only one year?"
I do not know if I have said this before, but my father and I were close in the most unconventional way. Personality wise we were exactly alike but yet different. Frankly, it was a beautiful paradox. We were the same soul that just grew up in different times. We were both introspective people. We were both quiet observers of the world. Although we never really talked much, we candidly understood each other. I miss that. I miss him.
I definitely took my dad's death as a lesson. I hate that it's a lesson I had to learn while having that special bond taken away from me. My dad understood me without me ever having to explain myself, which in retrospect I now understand why I feel like I shouldn't have to explain myself to people. He allowed me to make my own mistakes in life without judging. I want to believe that he knew I would find my way without him having to control everything I did. There were times where I felt I needed his unsolicited advice. But it made me stronger. I learned to solve my own problems and figure things out for myself. I wish he had known that. In the last days of my dad's disease I didn't know what to tell him. All I could mutter out in his last few hour was "You were a great dad, I know you did the best you could." I felt I needed to say more. But thinking back on it know, I am sure he knew exactly how I felt, since that was our thing.

Thinking about everything that has happened in this past year, I believe my dad would be proud of the improvements I have made.

I inherited my depression from my dad. If that's even a thing. He would mope around the house sighing and sometimes complaining that he wished he could be doing more. I am taking the moping out of the equation and I am starting to get things done. As much as I love my dad, that is one thing I wish was different about him. Talking about your problems won't resolve anything. You must find the will and courage to make your solutions. I think he would be proud of me for that. The other day I told Jayden that I hope he will be better than me. Every child should strive to be better than their parents, and every parent should feel proud that their child is better than them. I believe progress is the goal in life. We should all strive to be better than we are.
That's one of the lessons I've learned from my father's passing.

His memory will live on forever in me, in my children, and eventually in my children's children. I can't wait for my boys to share the memories they have of their grandfather when they become adults. I am so glad they got to know their grandfather. That man held more love in him than anyone could ever imagine. He just shared it with very few people. I am lucky to have been one of those people. I am proud to have been his daughter.

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