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Monday, August 4, 2014

Turning Thirty: reflection on my first decade as a mom.

Like every normal adult female in the world, I had a bit of a dramatic moment last night. Last night was my last as a 29 year old. Another decade of my life had flashed before my eyes. Funny how I don't recall having the same melodramatic moment when I was 9 nor when I was 19.

Even though I said that I was not freaking out, I eventually freaked out. Fortunately my freak out only last for about 30 minutes. I quickly realized that I was simply freaking out because I was not freaking out. Instead of counting my failures I decided to meditate on my blessings. My main blessings of course are these two:

By the age of 20 I had become a mom. To be honest my 20's are a bit of a blur. I wish I could say it was because I was drunk for most of it but that is not the case. I literally spent my 20's trying to raise my boys into decent human beings. I may be criticized about being a crappy house wife but being a teacher a mentor and a guidance counselor was my life. My focus was on making sure my children would have happy moments and experiences to look back on when they are older. I don't want to win the "Most Organized and Tidy Mom in the World" award. I want the "Funnest, Most Active Mom" award.

I asked my first born, Jayden, what his best first memory with me was and he said "My cowboy birthday party!" That was his first birthday. He is now 9 years old. I highly doubt he remembers that. So I asked him for his next best memory.
This time he answered "Halloween!"
"Which one?" I asked
"The one I was a power ranger." he replied.
That time he was 4. He remembers we were in Miami and that we trick-or-treated in the neighborhood behind where we live.

I am glad he remembers those moments. I remember some moments when I felt like a failure as a mom. I remember the first time I cried uncontrollably in front of my children and they kept asking what's wrong and I simply said "nothing." Not the healthiest of answers but in those moments of depression all reasoning goes out the window. I also remember the days when my depression was so bad I wouldn't even get out of bed. To the people around me I was simply "lazy."

I am truly far from it. Just because I loathe cleaning merely because I get a panic attack when I don't know where to start, does not mean I am lazy. Perfect example, when I am at work I excel. I cannot be idle for a second. If I am getting paid to be there I want to make sure I do a good job. No one can say that I am lazy at work. I have the best work ethic. I probably would suck as a maid. Then again that is why I am NOT in that field of work.

In conclusion, I identify my 20's with being a mom. I admit that I didn't take care of myself in that decade. Some would say I let myself go. So my goal in my 30's is to find balance; spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, personally, emotionally, romantically, etc, etc, etc.

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