Reflection, meditation, Catharsism

After a rough emotional start to my Sunday I decided that I was in need of a loooooong relaxing bath. I knew I needed to relax to ease my mind of the million negative thoughts that raced through that brain of mine. It was the best Idea I have had.

As I listened to Elizabeth Gilbert in the Indian portion of her book, aka the "Pray" part, I found I wasn't doing much relaxing. Which is ironic because she was having a tough time quieting her mind as well. There were things she would say that reminded me of where I was in my life. Situations I am dealing with. Most importantly there were things I was over analyzing.

Eventually my mind found some peace. If only for a a split second. What happened next was beautiful but most people would find weird. Laying there in my purest form made me think about rawness which made me think about realness and honesty.

Looking at my wrinkly fingers made me think what a stunning image that would be. So I grabbed my phone an took this photo.

After that photo I noticed my dingy tub fixtures.

I imagined those are the original handles and spout from when my apartment was first built in the 80's. What intrigued me was that I found beauty in that dilapidated faucet. That's who I've always been. The person that sees beauty in the mundane and peculiar, The person that can tell you that the mere fact that this object being old and neglected made me ponder about bigger and deeper things that are sometimes ignored, neglected and discarded.

After snapping a few photos of in animate objects I decided to take a self portrait that turned into thetitle photo for this blog. It is not mean to be vain, nor erotic. I simply thought it was a beautiful self portrait in my purest form. I want to shatter the wall of vulnerability. What better way than exposing myself to the world this way. I share it artistically and dramatically. I hope everyone else can see that its a simple self portrait of a human in her most raw intimate way. Rene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert and Amy Poehler all contributed to this new found courage. They inspire me to expose myself in all aspects of life.

Cleansing the body, the mind and the soul.

This last set of self new age portraits were simply for fun. But after looking at it I realized how different these filters make people look. I hope all women in the world realize that they are always most beautiful in their simple natural form, despite what social media has them believe. One is my natural self portrait...It's pretty easy to point out.

Parenting: The battle between Bruce Banner and The Hulk

Just like Bruce Banner, my emotional reactions are almost impossible contain. When I experience any form of discomfort, anxiety or rage…I turn as green as Nickelodeon’s extinct slime!

My most recent episode came yesterday when I decided to check on my 11 year old’s grades and found out he had a D in mathematics. Now before you judge me, let me give you a little background information on our current school year situation.

I have raised my children to care about their grades. I have explained to them that grades are not a true measure of their intelligence. However, when it comes to our education system, they are extremely important because it is the way society measures intelligence, work ethic and effort.

I do not demand straight A’s. “Tiger mom” is not a title I hold. I am more of a Liger mom; the balance between hippie mindset and structured discipline. A’s and B’s are acceptable. I do not accept Mediocrity, which is what I refer to as C’s. This entire school year however has been a battle with getting C’s due to assignments not turned in or careless mistakes and not rechecking their work. This year I chose to give my 11 year old responsibility for his own grades.  I let go of checking everything piece of homework and every single assignment and product.

I checked grades 3 times a marking period and had a review on why they were slipping. When he told me it was because he didn’t understand the material I made sure I was available to go over anything he didn’t understand. In December, Santa bought Jayden a new special edition Xbox One. Santa wrote a note that unless grades improved, said Xbox could not be opened…. 5 months later… the Xbox is STILL in the unopened box.

Fast forward to yesterday. I go to check grades and find that he has a D in mathematics. The D was due to a 5 page assignment that was graded individually and he got a range of C’s-F’s on each one!

Enter the hulk. I yelled to the top of my lungs

 “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS JAYDEN!!!!” 

I lost any ounce of patience that I had left. I saw red and turned green. The exact things I said are a bit of a blur to me. I may have even used profanity. It was not my proudest moment but I lost all self-control. Emotions tend to do that to me. All forms of entertainment have been banned from now until the end of the school year. No TV, no playing with toys, no Electronics unless they are for educational purposes, no going over friends’ houses, NO FUN OF ANY KIND IS ALLOWED…Monday through Friday. He is to come home from school, redo failed assignments and complete I-ready.

This evening when I came home I was still fuming. But after guitar practice and homework review with Tristan I decided to watch some Ted Talks. I encountered a Colin Powell Ted Talk about children needing structure. My first instinct when my child fails is that somehow I am failing. I wanted to know if structure is somehow missing in Jayden’s life. I will always blame myself for my children failing. I once judged a close relative for stating “My children failing in life is not my fault, I did my part as a parent providing them with every opportunity.” Jayden was only in Kindergarten at that point so that statement seemed absurd to me. My first thought was, “no, you failed to provide structure for your children.”

My takeaway from the Colin Powell speech was that even when kids have structure they can still have mediocre grades in school. Apparently Colin Powell was a straight "C" student his entire life but somehow was extraordinary at following orders and eventually he became extraordinary at giving orders and managed to reach the highest rank in the military.

I decided to have Jayden watch the Ted talk with me. I had to summarize the speech for him to explain my analysis of it. I reiterated that it’s not the fact that he has a “D” that bothers me. Rather the fact that I know he is better than that. I told him it is ok to fail, but it is not ok to accept failure as an ultimate outcome. His teacher always tells her students: FAIL stand for First Attempt in Learning. It’s a wonderful message, but my first reaction to failing has always been to get overemotional and over react and release THE HULK. I usually need a day to return to my Bruce Banner alter ego. I return the same way as the comic book character always does, tattered, disoriented and filled with shame and guilt. But once I dust myself off, it is back to work to find the solution to my parenting hurdles: Which are just as complicated and difficult as physics and calculus.

To Medicate or Not to medicate...

...that is the question!

I am an adventurous soul at heart. Trying new things excite me. The outside sources and the journey to these new experiences scare me half to death. I try to make my weekends with my boys fun and exciting. I want them to experience the world. My anxiety and depression sometimes hold me back.

I have been giving medication and therapy a lot of thought. Some may say that I have not given it enough thought or given it too much thought because I have not really done anything about it. But I have given it enough though that I signed up for health insurance. I had been without health insurance for about a year and a half now. Lets pick up where I last left off in regards to my mental health.

Quick recap, when I was 23 I tried to tell the doctor I was depressed and he told me I was just suffering from displacement or something like that. For a couple of years I was genuinely happy. I had a career I loved and didn't mind working 50 hour weeks. I was so satisfied with life that I decided to have my second child because I felt that I had my depression under control. I worked my way up through a company and was making sufficient money to raise 2 children. I saved up all my vacation days to cover the cost of my benefits while I was on maternity leave. My very first week on maternity leave the company goes under and I am left without a job to return to. It gave me a reason to forcibly become a stay at home but not having a partner that was capable of stepping up to the plate and providing for his family made me bitter. I am grateful that his parents were kind enough to support us but they had already done it for 2 years with our first born. I didn't want to go back to that.

 Right before having my second child I had accepted the fact that I would be the main bread winner in the family. I was so in love with this man that I had no shame being fully employed and he only being partially employed. But I thought the loss of income would have inspired him to take the reins and find better employment. That didn't happen. Instead he managed to convince me to move back in with his parents in another city with the illusion that he had a great job lined up for him.

My depression swallowed me whole. I wanted to find a job where I was making the same amount as I was making before and all that was available were minimum wage jobs that wanted 10 plus year experience. I ended up going back to school to better my chances at finding a better job.

Going back to school sent me back on my road to seeking help. I went to the nearest clinic and admitted to the federally funded doctor that I suffer from anxiety. I was afraid that this doctor would say the same as the last and I didn't want to feel judged or called a liar. I didn't want to be told that I simply didn't know how to "deal with change." My fear of being judged has held me back from many things, including getting help from a doctor. Having mistrust and paranoia towards doctors should probably be a major sign that there is something seriously wrong with me. I literally just came to that conclusion. There is something seriously wrong with me. I like to believe that doctors take their oaths seriously but to me they are still human. They are still capable to judge. I am afraid of being judged. Even though I know everyone does it. Bottom line, I only fessed up to the anxiety and was prescribed Buspirone.

 In the middle of my second semester I was called in for an interview I had applied to 4 months back. I put my education on hold to rejoin the workforce at a decent wage. I made up the salary by always working overtime. Like I always do.

I may have rambled on but I feel like the back story is pertinent to my mental health situation. Bare with me I am getting to the point.

I started this post like a year ago. I do have the health insurance but I don't have the time to go see a doctor. I am still debating wether or not I should seek treatment for my depression. Part of me believes in this fairy tail that some magical concoction of pills will give me the will to do everything I ever wanted to do without this overwhelming fear. The other part believes it to be ludicrous. 

Manic episode or conquering of resistance?

I started reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield today. It is a book that was highly recommended by a coworker who has a similar literary palate as mine. Just a couple of pages in and the book quickly resonated with me. I could tell why he suggested it.

 I consider myself a writer but one who definitely battles with resistance. I want to say that there is a correlation between reading the book and me being inspired to write again. I was only 30% into he book when my phone died. Hipster would say “If you had a normal book you wouldn’t have this problem.”

Since I have none of my notes to reference back to, I have to rely on my short term memory which I recently discovered is terrible. There is a line in the book that says “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” I know I have read this before because I have mentioned it once or twice in my writing. I know for a fact I didn’t come up with it. I did start to wonder, “Was it Steven Pressfield who was quoted saying that when I first read it or heard it?” Did Pressfield say it first? This brought me back to another thing I heard before and I paraphrase, “There is no more original thought left in the world. All that is written is just recycled words and ideas that someone has already come up with.”  I don’t know where I heard this before. I have a tendency of not paying much attention to the creator of art. I much rather just enjoy the work than worry about the credit.

So for some reason as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I started thinking about Brene Brown and her Ted Talk on vulnerability. The sheer mention of the word “vulnerability” makes me emotional. Vulnerability to me is my nemesis. There is nothing more vulnerable to me than being seen crying in public. I HATE IT!!!! I know people don’t know how to react when they see someone crying, much less not knowing why. I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable. I loathe being pitied. I don’t handle consolation very well.  But when I am thinking about something very dear to my heart I simply can’t control myself, much less talk about it. Lately I have been embracing vulnerability more and more but it still scares me half to death to share things. I find myself worrying about how the other person is judging me. They may very well be not but then again they very well may be.

Lately I have been very open about my manic depression. I feel comfortable talking about it out loud but then my illness is seen as a form of resistance according to Pressfield. That makes me feel like shit. He practically says that illnesses like social anxiety are made up by editors. He does say that anxiety and depression may be real. But he only said “may”. It sounded like I am making an excuse with my manic depression. I am not sure about that part of the book.

So here I am. Not knowing what came first, the chicken or the egg. Did the book inspire me to start writing again or did my mania make me do it? All I know is that a million thoughts started popping up like annoying ads. The last thing I want to do is over analyze  and read into things that are not really there. A part of me still wants to keep living in the illusion that I created. Like I have not learned my lesson of getting attached to the idea of what could be. So I’ll continue living in my mind. The book says that fear and doubt are allies and good things when it comes to art and writing….but I disagreed with that too.

Typography Thursday: Art of Conversation

I follow this great site called Brain Pickings. They wrote this great piece about Barbara Walters. This article touched my soul in so many ways.

I have always felt that I lacked social skills, specifically in the art of conversation. I have never been one for group discussions. One on one interaction is what I excel at. I pride myself in being a great listener but sometimes I feel martyred when I am just "the listener." Barbara made a great point by saying "...when a conversation becomes a monologue, poked along with tiny cattle-prod questions, it isn't a conversation any more. It is a strained, manipulative game, tiring and perhaps even lonely."

Whoa! Barbara hit it right on the nail. At the end of certain monologues I feel extremely exhausted and all I was doing was listening! Obviously I was exhausted because I was an attentive listener and I was trying to form an opinion the whole time, only it was in my head. But Barbara is right. Those conversations are simply not conversations.

 However, they are necessary evils. Sometimes a friend just needs to vent, without judgement, without opinions. Individuals resolve problems when they speak their issues out loud. No one wants to look like the crazy person and talk to themselves. Except for myself, I talk to myself ALL the time. Especially at work. I am sure everyone thinks I am flying over the cuckoo's nest. But for those who are not as brave as I am, I will always be the person to stand next to you lending her ear. Barbara's words inspired me to make my first graphic since December 5th 2013!

This article also affected me by bringing up memories of my dad. I remember being around 8 or 9 and watching 20/20 with my dad. It's a delightful memory. I can even see us shouting out to the TV, " Hugh Downs and Barbara Walter, this is 20/20!"

I love when happy vivid memories are sparked in me.

Realizing I am no longer 19

The end of my 20's is approaching fast. This past weekend was like a slap to the face. A slap that made me realized I an not 19...I am 29.

First, I thought it was a great idea to orchestrate a happy hour to be able to bond with my coworkers. In all honesty it was a great idea. Everyone had fun. I got to see certain people let lose while others opened up. All in all, it was a great bonding experience. I was even proud of myself for being able to out drink certain characters.

The problem arose when I thought that I could continue with the drinking the next day. I had to work on a Saturday; which after a night or drinking, was not half bad.
Sign number one that I am getting "too old for this" revealed itself when I decided to take a nap after I got home from running a few errands. I knew I needed a recharge before Saturday night began.

Another night of drinking commenced at a friend's house. It entailed a few shenanigans like the drawing of a phallus on a dozing friend and the infamous drunk dialing to an ex. It was all fun and games until I realized I was way over my limit. I don't even know what happened. I have always been able to control my inebriation. However, that raspberry vodka has a way of sneaking up on you until it is too late!

I got sick that very night. I have no idea at what time I feel asleep but I know I was up at 8:00 in the morning, somehow still drunk and still sick.I couldn't remember where I had placed my glasses so I wore my friends.  I could not hydrate myself because even water would not stay down that morning. In laments terms, I woke up feeling like shit!

It was not until like 5:00 p.m. when I was finally able to keep some food in my stomach.

I guess since I woke up so early on Sunday and felt like I was still drunk, that my hangover did not hit me until Monday! I didn't know that was even possible. But there I was Monday morning with a raging headache realizing...So this is what the end of your 20's feel like... shame and regret.

Not really, but it was a funny and melodramatic way to end this post.

Existential Crisis Continues

Lately I've been having this intense feeling of unworthiness. I can't seem to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. This feeling of unworthiness has alienated me from people. By the time I try to get close to the ones I love it feels like it's too late. I have always had a hard time relating to people. There are very few that I can have a deep connection with. I don't want superficial friends. I want people around that I can have deep conversations with. Most people are only out to have a good time and show the world how happy and fun they are through social media. No one seems to want to have a good heart to heart. Could they be trying to avoid reality like I am?

My fears have taken over me. When fear comes rushing in, nature calls for you to fight or flee. Many often forget the third plausible reaction to fear...freeze. I always seem to just freeze. I hate myself for it but it's all I know to do.

I am trapped in my mind. I am afraid that I will always be this unhappy lost little girl. I fear I can never be happy. I hate that feeling so much.

I recently re watched the film Revolutionary Road. Great film but pretty dark. It's films like that which I have been relating to the most lately. Sylvia is another one. In high school I hated the Bell Jar. Probably because I saw a bit of myself in it. Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coehlo is another book that best describes what I have been going though. I hate to make all these references without elaborating more on it but that's just me. Always trying to find art that imitates my life because I do not have the words to explain it myself.

Going through withdrawal.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

 Yesterday morning I listened to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart and emotions just started pouring in. When I think about him I can't help but have this glimmer of hope. I still love him. How is it possible to be so angry at someone you love? One thing I do know is that it's definitely not loneliness that I am feeling. I know this but I never felt more alone than when I was in the same room with him and It was like I didn't exist.  

But I guess I'm still in love with the illusion. I once read that love is 1/4 reality and 3/4 dream, and problems arise when you only fall in love with the dream. So yeah... I can be a testament to that.

The bold underlined parts of the lyrics are the ones that I always cry through as I sing them.

"Total Eclipse Of The Heart"

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

Away we go...separately.

I figured that it's best for everything bad to occur all at once.
My family is going through some unexpected and expected plot twists in this novel I like to call LIFE.

The unexpected plot twist is a story on it's own but the expected is what this post is about.

The father of my children and I have decided to call it quits. I have ruined our family's perfect record of everlasting love in both our families. I am feeling so much. Fear and devastation are my top emotions right now. Even though I was not happy before, I sure don't feel any better now. I just feel like a failure, which feels all too familiar.

So far it all feels surreal... I mean it has only been a day that it was made official.We had been falling apart for a while now and we were just avoiding the situation.

 A part of me finds it silly to be mourning this separation. It has been a long time coming. We had lost each other long ago but neither of us was ready to admit it. But when we were finally ready to admit it to each other, it was like ripping off a band-aid. We didn't even do it face to face. We were actually in different cities. But I think it worked for us. We both have a hard time putting feelings into verbal words. At least it wasn't on a post it!

 In the words of Edith Piaf, "Je ne regrette rien. Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal tout ca m'est bien egal." Which means: "I regret nothing. Not the good things that have been done to me nor the bad things, they are all the same to me." I received the most beautiful gifts from this chapter in my life, my two boys. Where there's a yin, there's a yang.

Well I did say I like new experiences and adventure. It can't get more adventurous and new than this.


How do I cope? Well since I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, I lose myself in thought to the musical styling of Of Monsters And Men. What an amazing album. I think soon I will change to The Civil Wars.

 I know that as soon as I get back in the work force I will no longer dwell on the subject. I have bigger problems to worry about now. 

4th Down From 30 Before 40: Get a Degree!

I earned a degree before I turned 30! It's is not my Bachelors but it's an accomplishment nonetheless. I earned my Associate in Science in Business Administration. The degree was awarded on July 30th 2013 but I just received it in the mail. College was a rough start for me when I was 18. I remember going to class and never speaking to anyone. It was very overwhelming. It was all about "get in and get out as fast as you can". I learned the hard way that you have to make friends and study groups. It makes the hard classes bearable and easier.
My experience at Valencia was way better. I met a lot of fun people. Even though our study groups were 50% goofing around, 10% eating and only 40% studying, I still managed to be on the President's List every semester.
I will continue to get my Bachelor's and then my Masters. I have a lifetime ahead of me to finish.

3rd down from 30 Before 30: Passport Stamped

I turned 29 this month so it's officially crunch time for my 30 before 30 list to be completed!

I imagined that I would return to Europe before I am 30. There is still time. This summer I was offered the opportunity to visit Cancun, Mexico. My brother is always inviting me on his last minute trips and I usually decline.

This time, he and my mother invited me again. When I said "sure what the heck!"  I didn't even realized that it was something I needed to get scratched off my list. It was a short 3 day trip to a resort. We even drove 2 hours to Chichen-Itza one of the days.

The trip was a bit bittersweet since the kiddos didn't go. I am pleased to say "Get Passport Stamped Again" is officially done.

30 before 30: 2 down!

I can scratch off a second thing off my list! 

This was the first thing to be scratched off.

I got a small photography gig! So that counts as become a professional photographer =)

The Dreamer in Me: Fictional Characters

I am not a big fan of actors. I think it's ridiculous how everyone idolizes them. I don't fawn over them or dream of being Mrs. Brad Pitt. 

I do however dream of being Mrs. Tristan Ludlow. 

I don't know what it is about us women falling for the damaged guy that we think we can fix. Like men are projects or something.

Fantasizing about fictional characters is a pass time of mine. 

Besides Tristan Ludlow who my own son was named after, there are other characters I imagine marrying.

For many years, my friend V and I would argue about Team Jack vs. Team Sawyer. 

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110131222015/lostpedia/images/3/3f/JackVsJames.jpg

For many seasons I thought that Sawyer was the way to go. But one day I decided that Jack was my man. 

It could have been the flash forward season when you realized that Jack was way more messed up than Sawyer. But to this day even after the series ended I still find myself fantasizing about Jack. The hubby and I were at a convention and we had gotten separated  When he came back he told me "I just saw Matthew Fox."  My eyes lit up and I jumped and screamed "Jack is here!" Then my hubby said "nah, i'm just kidding." What a cruel joke.

My other favorite fictional husband is a little more childish. He is animated ,which makes him even less plausible for me to ever marry. I don't care. 

Dimitri from Anastasia. Isn't he dreamy. It may be that he is played by John Cusack. Who doesn't see John Cusack as a hopeless romantic? I guess I like the illusion of a con man who gets changed by a woman. Then again if that was the case, I would have been Team Sawyer in my previous fantasy. What can I say. I am a complex lover.

Most recently I have one character that makes me weak at the knees. However I have a lot of competition. Not only with Carol but with another million women who watch The Walking Dead. 

O.K. I am back. I needed to change my panties. Daryl Dixon is my new obsession. I could care less for Rick, Shane, Glen (he is my second most favorite character), or the Governor. I would have them all die together before they killed off Daryl. I am pretty sure I would stop watching the show all together. Maybe.

Daryl is the best written character of all time. His story has been well developed and well evolved. I fall in love with him a little bit more with every episode; even if he only has 3 seconds of screen time and no lines. 

Obviously Norman is a fabulous actor. I first met him watching Boondock Saints on Netflix. 

Guess what! I am going to get to meet him!!!!! He is coming to town as a special guest in Spooky Fest! So excited. My husband tells me I have to pay for that and I said "I DON'T CARE!" Then I thought about and I really wouldn't pay because I am not that big of a freak. Let's hope he's a cool guy and lets me meet him without me having to pay for it. Because that would just make him a gigolo of some kind.

I'll keep you posted on my encounter or lack of.

Revelations of One Day

Quick updates:

I have postponed my 21 Days Straight Challange. I wish I can say it was due to the fact that I had emergency surgery on March 28 to remove my gall bladder, but I had already willfully failed by March 15 because my Minecraft craft (hehe the repetition always makes me laugh..like RomCom Con, Happy Endings reference) consumed me for 3 days and I didn't go to the gym although I did remain active. Walking for 5 hours at a convention is a workout!

You are probably still wondering about the surgery. Even if you are not I will explain further anyway!
My son's fun exciting spring break was a bit foiled by my hospitalization. My "contributor" (who STILL has YET to post ANYTHING) and I had many fun activities planned for the kiddos. An accumulation of many unfortunate events occurred.  Some even on her part; wouldn't it be awesome if she posted about her side of the events! HINT HINT, wink wink, nudge, Morris code, smoke signals. 

The rainbow during the rain: I got my parents and one out of two brother's come visit me with his whole family utilizing my second brother's car. Ergo, my other brother did his part too =)

Now that we are all caught up I can start with my true purpose of this post; my revelations.

1) I only seem to dream when I am sleep deprived and extremely exhausted when I knock out.
2) I seem to be at my most productive, creative and ambitious when I dream
3) I just realized that there may be a confounding variable in my previous assumption: I may just very be having another manic episode. Are vivid realistic dreams a symptom of mania? Note to self: Google that.
4) Studying in a group may not be efficient (time management wise) but it sure is effective and mostly rewarding.
5) Being in my study group will always yield a proportion of half the time studying and half the time A.D.D.ing (yes, I use a noun as a present participle, I even like using it as a verb. After-after thought: I had to Google "present participle" too) with a standard deviation of .10
6) I have a hypothesis that states neediness and independence are not on the same spectrum but in fact are on two different spectrums. Meaning, I don't believe that becoming more independent will make you less needy. One factor will either make you more independent but not necessarily less needy.
7) 5 hour energy drinks are not ALWAYS effective.
8) You accept stranger's flaws but you should adore your true friends/soul mate's flaws. Ted Mosby knows a lot about the latter; then again he has spent over 8 years trying to find his children's mother.
9) Life is all about perspective and my change irradically sporadically (I seriously thought the opposite of radically was the former).
10) I lose my patience with my kids more than I like and I always regret it but in the heat of the moment my reaction is ALWAYS faster than my thought process.
11) I am almost positive my children will grow up never doubting if they're loved , if I support them, if they're awesome, if they're important, if they're appreciated.
12) I do however think that what they think makes me awesome will then be interpreted as "crazy" when they get older and develop their cognitive abilities.
13) Opposites may attract but they also create too much friction (Insert Sheldon Cooper's correction here).
14) For a person that is not really a Big Bang Theory fan I always find myself thinking "how would Sheldon Cooper respond to that?"
15) Telling my hubby he's not affectionate enough does not yield the results I desire.
16) I compensate for my hubby's lack of affection toward me by being overly affectionate towards him.
17) I will graduate with my A.S. with enough credits to have obtained a B.S/B.A.
18) My bumpy start with college 10 years ago have developed me to be a better learner.
19) I truly believe things happen for a reason but not necessarily are predestined.
20) These were too many revelations for one day.

The last one may or may not have been a revelation as much as an after though. I really wanted to end on an even number.

Feelings/Nerd Wars

It seems that I am trying to make up for the many months I did not post anything. Or a clinical psychologist would say I am having a manic episode. I happen to like my manic episodes. I am at my very best. The other pole puts me in a dark and twisty place (Grey's Anatomy reference) and I lose my incentive to want to write about anything! Depression sucks!

Whenever I am extra sensitive about things I feel like this:

Writing is the only way I can release all those feelings. I can't comprehend why the words I have in my mind cannot transfer to my vocal chords and shoot out of my mouth! It is beyond aggravating. I think it has to do with fear. The fear of what people will think about me. Then again if that is the case then why can I so easily put it in writing. I guess it's easier for me to filter myself in writing. I am contently worried about saying the wrong thing.

I don't like to offend people. I offend myself when I offend others. I care what other people think way too much. Don't try to tell me "it doesn't matter what people think." I can't help myself. I wish I was like Jennifer Lawrence. She is so freaking charismatic that it doesn't matter when what comes out of her is ridiculous. Maybe it's because she is gorgeous. Are people more accepting of people's mistakes if they are really good looking?

You know who else I admire and hate at the same time. This girl: Danielle from Nerd Wars

People with no filter are annoying to me! Yet I also admire that. Hence the love/hate relationship. If you haven't watched Nerd Wars you have to. It's freaking awesome! Jayden LOVES her. 

I just realized Madeina is like her in many way (minus the crying a lot). So if Danielle is Madeina then I must be Genevieve. 

Yup. Sounds about right. 

This also means Karol would be Celeste:

The sweet and "innocent" one trying to fly under the radar! Now go watch the Nerd Wars if you are a self proclaimed nerd!

Downward Spiral

The very first day of August I was on my way to the doctor's office with my two boys. It was raining very hard and I was coming to a red light when I saw the car in front of me hydroplane. I panicked but my with good reason. I thought I was going to hydroplane myself. Call it a self fulling prophecy, but that is exactly what happened. I made the number one mistake of pressing down on the brakes thinking it would help but instead it locked up the steering wheel so I couldn't even change lanes to avoid crashing into the car in front of me.

The kids and I were physically fine. I did have a total panic attack. If it weren't for some good samaritans I would have stayed in the middle of the busy road, frozen. They were quick to get my battery reconnected so that I can put the car in neutral so they can push me to safety.

Now I know that everyone always says "the important thing was no one was hurt." Don't say that to a neurotic individual like myself because it doesn't help! Of course I am grateful no one got hurt but at that moment, "it could have been worst" was not making me feel better.

Great, just freaking great! I just crashed the car, that isn't even mine but relied on to get around. The car that I was not even on the insurance for. The fault was going to be given to me since I hit someone from behind.

I survived though. I survived to deal with the aftermath. The $164.00 ticket I have to pay for being a "careless driver." I am not even going to bother to fight it because the cop places the fear in you that the amount can double if I was to fight it and lose. Who can afford that? How can I prove that it wasn't my fault but rather the rain. The rain can't stimulate the economy by paying a $164.00 ticket or double if you are found guilty in court. Then will the insurance cover that poor innocent girls car? The days of waiting for what the insurance will say are terrifying. Can I be sued? Knowing that regardless of whether or not the insurance will cover the other girl's car, it still is not going to fix our car for the mistake (according to FHP) that was my fault.

If they do cover the other girls car, I still need to pay $1,000 for the deductible. The money I had saved to fix the car that actually belongs to us. I try to tell myself, at least I have the money. But a part of me just wants to yell LIFE IS SUCH A BITCH! So I become depressed. Depressed because I am stuck at home. Depressed because I don't know if I will have enough money left over to even fix the car. Depressed because I am suppose to be starting school full time again and won't have a way to get there. Oh Depressed because that happened to be the same week my parents were coming to visit me and the kids and I couldn't even take them out. Depressed because it was my birthday and I was so looking forward to doing something more exciting than just staying home at night. My birthday which landed on a Saturday. The one highlight was that my mother-in-law agreed to take me back to school shopping for Jayden just to make me feel better on my birthday. I did have fun in the day time shopping for my son. I even managed to get myself 2 pairs of shorts as my own birthday gift.

Another highlight was when last Sunday afternoon I was moping around the house and shared my feelings with the hubby and instead of him shrugging me off actually took initiative and got me out of the house. We walked to a shopping center nearby, had lunch, strolled around, had ice cream and watched a movie. I was extremely grateful but once I was in the house again I became depressed again.

I know I am being petty and I should try to just figure out a solution. But that is the epitome of depression. The tiniest little problem seems impossible to solve and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In my mind this is the end of world! Even though I should just be grateful that things could have been worst. It's way easier said than done. The depression keeps me wallowing in my self pity.

My Battle With Insomnia & Mania

You know that time between extremely late night & the sun is about to come out? That time when you feel it’s way too late to even bother going to sleep because if you do you are going to wake up way too late. Well that’s the time when I feel the most productive. Theoretically that is. When I get insomnia it’s because I have a million and one thoughts going through my head. That endless “to-do” list keeps repeating over and over again in your mind. You can’t sleep because you have a lot to do. Then again, you won’t be able to do those things because you have not slept! Quite a pickle I am in. Certainly this sounds familiar to many people. My problem is my “to-do” list extends far beyond what I need to get done in the morning. I stretch it out and go as far as my 5 year plan.

For example: I need to finish organizing the room tomorrow. I have to pick up all the toys. But I haven’t finished updating the toy box. In order to finish updating the toy box I have to get additional materials. I have to vacuum the room. There’s a horrible stain on the carpet that is really bothering me. I have to also get a steam vacuum. Where do I get a steam vacuum? How much will it cost? Will I know how to use it? It’s going to take forever for me to use it. Do I have to treat the carpet with a special product first? Now I have to go & research carpet cleaning. When I do get the steamer…I am going to have to move all the furniture in the room to make sure the entire carpet is cleaned. That’s a lot of furniture. The dresser is extremely heavy, as is the wardrobe. I need more storage containers. I am not pleased with the storage boxes I got on sale from Ikea. They don’t match my color scheme. Many items don’t match my color scheme. I should go to Home Depot & buy spray paint to paint the items and get them to match my color scheme. Which things should I spray paint? Should I stencil some? Which ones? Should I do a silver background & aquamarine stencil. Or should it be an aquamarine background with a silver stencil? Or maybe it should be tan with silver. It all depends on the item & the location of the item. I need an area rug. What design should I chose for an area rug. I don’t want to spend too much money on an area rug… It goes on and on and on.

Those thoughts are all crammed into a span of no more of 5 minutes. But I keep repeating those same thoughts over & over and over until it is 6:15 a.m. in the morning & I force myself to go to bed.

The internet doesn’t help. I begin researching one thing which leads me to research another topic and another. YouTube break. Music is needed to match the feelings.  Nevertheless, now I have focused some of that energy into my writing. That’s a smidge more productive then just over analyzing.

My over-thinking scares me sometimes.  I have come a long way. It used to deter me from getting anything accomplished. It has gotten better. But once in a while I get my manic moments. The worst is when I am super hard on myself because I know I won’t be able to get anything done. My body is going to be all out of whack. Even though I can physically get up early, mentally I will be drained.

The next day: I wake up at a reasonable hour. Would 11:00 am on a Sunday be considered reasonable? Let’s see. Stores don’t open until noon anyway so consensus say...yes!

 My day is surprisingly productive & has a mostly sanguine disposition. (Word of the day: sanguine Use it in a sentence today!) I am surprised because my manic episodes are usually followed by quite a few depressive days.

I finished organizing the room!  Toys picked up, laundry finished (including towels & linens), blog updated, carpet vacuumed, kids stimulated with artistic activities,  furniture dusted, blog updated, husband pleased...oops… maybe it’s a negative on the last one. But I can’t ever win with him regardless. I will score this one as a victory, even though I neither made it to home depot for spray paint nor Ikea for a rug.

However, we have come full circle. It is once again almost 4:00 a.m. Tomorrow, I mean later on today will be another day. Can I keep a streak going? Doubtful. My body & mind needs some rest. Could this be manic day number two? That would certainly be new. I have never had two manic days in a row.  The suspense is killing me.

 If this hit you from left field you may want some background info from here.

Unconditional Love = liking a person all the time?

One of my favorite lines from a movie is "I Love you {Benny], but I don't have to like you right now".

 Name that movie! That's right, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Another chick flick reference, surprise, surprise.

I use that line ALL the time. With my hubby, my children, friends & family. Regardless of what someone I love does to me, no matter how angry you make me I'll still love you. You better believe I won't like you for a while. In fact, I will give you the mother of all attitudes. When you do something that hurts me the hulk comes out. Mind you, my hulk is pink & bedazzled but she's still a bitch. Like the hulk, I change back pretty quickly. Looking back on my past I have never shunned anyone I loved for all eternity. Correct me if I am wrong. If a friendship ended it was because the other party had no unconditional love for me.

Through out my childhood and early adulthood I believed my mother's love was conditional. It is so true when parents say, you'll understand what I am doing once you become a parent. Parents! If they are not abusive, they ARE always right. It makes me a little mad. I'm not mad that they were right, I am mad that I did not realize it sooner. The day I realized that parents really do know it all was the day I found out I was pregnant with Jayden. A month earlier my mom had asked me "are you pregnant?"  It was so random. I was not nauseated. But she said she had a feeling. I did not know it at the time but I was pregnant. My father calls me every time I am feeling blue and tells me "remember we are always here for you". Also very randomly without me voicing my emotions. The bond of a parent and child, powerful stuff!

Anyway, what I thought it was conditional love but it was just tough love. I read somewhere that unconditional love meant that your feelings should not change based on the other's person behavior. Is love really loving EVERYTHING about a person ALL THE TIME?  Is that really possible? I think not. I really have a low tolerance for shenanigans. But remember: ♪♫ AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUU-OOOOOOHHHH♪♫. You guys know who you are. If you question whether or not I love you. Just ask! 

Love & Marriage

Over the weekend for my mom's 70th birthday celebration I came to the realization of something. Maybe not really a realization, but it definitely got me thinking about love, marriage & communication. My family, as crazy and dysfunctional we may be, have beaten the odds at something. We have all been together with our significant other's for what feels like forever. With the exception of my brother's 1st marriage that lasted literally a day, so I don't count that (it may have even been annulled, he was like 18 and no kids were involved), and my parents getting divorced for legal reasons but never separated, there are no broken families within our family. So what's the secret to a successful marriage/partnership?

Every couple is different and you have to do what works for you.

I think one of the biggest mistakes woman make is comparing their relationships to their friends, family members and worst, fictional characters in books, T.V. and movies. I am totally guilty on the last one. It totally bothers my hubby. That's why he hates watching romantic comedies with me.

I started analyzing my immediate family's relationships & gathered this. To some people being overly opinionated & blunt works, to others it's the opposite: lack of communication. Forgiveness, acceptance, toleration, sacrifice, perseverance, separation, dedication, thirst for adventure (be it miserable or fun), jealousy, overcoming tragedy, blissful denial, psychosis, courage, ying/yang, critical, chaotic, 50/50, 90/10, 60/40...it all adds up to 100%. Most of these are not characteristics with positive connotations but that's what my family is made of. Want to hear another insane statistic: My hubby's family is also the same way. His parents have been together for almost 40 years, his brother for 14 years, us almost 10 years & his sister going on to 5 years. We may all be dysfunctional but we are functional as a family. Like I always say; There is an order to my disorder.

While speaking to my family this weekend I was a little surprised to find out that my eldest brother's secret is LACK of communication. He says that he learned from our dad to never talk about your feelings. 

Men! Typical. However what he doesn't share is how bad he feels. He said that he doesn't worry his wife about issues with work or any negative feelings. They only discuss happy things.

My parents: Sacrifice, perseverance, and adaptability.

My parents were together for over 15 years before I came to be. I am not sure how they made it that far but I know how they have made it ever since. My parents legally divorced when I was born because I came as a surprise. I believe my dad was laid-off & freaking out about how he was going to provide for this new baby. My dad moved to NYC to support us from abroad. My mom and I spent the next 6 years back and forth from Honduras to NYC. 

So apparently my parent's first secret to a marriage is learning to have a long distance committed relationship. Most people may think that my dad obviously fooled around with other women being so far away. To those people I say, you don't know my dad. My dad has been madly in love with my mom from the very beginning. As a matter of fact he pursued her and she had no interest in him. I think it is safe to say that my dad loves my mom more than my mom loves my dad. Obviously that's ok, we just need to learn to let go of that resentment. When my mom finally moved to the States, the reunion between her and my dad was short lived. The family decided to move to Florida. My mom and I came down first but my dad never found a job that paid him as well as the one he was in. So they spent the next 10 years long distance...again. 

My parents just recently started living together again after my dad was laid off from his job in NYC after 25 years. It is like they never lived apart. They have assimilated into their cohabitation (not at all smoothly), but they make it work. In the words of Project Runway's Tim Gunn: MAKE it work. Another secret to a successful partnership.

That's a little inside on some of my family's relationships. I shall elaborate on my other brother's & mine a little later on in a different post.

Bottom-line:

Don't fall into the "norm" of what SHOULD be a successful marriage. Don't follow society's expectations. Newsflash! Society does not have it right! Look at divorce rates. Sure all those quotes about love are cute & dreamy. I have them all pinned. Who doesn't love the illusion of Utopian Love? See it this way. There is the theory of what love should be, but theories are challanged everyday and no one can really prove them right nor wrong. Here's the definition;

Theory: a proposed explanation whose status is still conjectural ( problematical) and subject to experimentation, in contrast to well-established propositions that are regarded as reporting matters of actual fact.


In my eyes, it boils down to this: commitment, hope, family and love. So experiment but maintain your partner as your constant variable (science joke, and yes I laugh at my own jokes).

What have you seen work in marriages, partnerships and relationships? Oh oh oh, book suggestion on the matter. True Love by Robert Fulghum. If you find a hard copy with a lot of notes and highlights it's my copy. I lost it in a move a long time ago. =) It looks like this:

Mistrust, Depression, Denial.

My friend Maddie said I look sad in this photo.

Medical attention is extremely important. One is to get a physical done every year and talk to your doctor about all your concerns so that a little thing doesn't become a major problem. But what happens when you have not found a doctor you can trust. Anyone can tell you that I should definitely be under a physician's watch. The only doctor that I truly enjoyed going to is my dentist Dr. Luger. My dentist!


To me a practice should make you feel welcomed from the minute you walk in! Dr. Luger's office succeeded in that and even went beyond! The receptionist was a sweet lady who was always smiling. That was important to me. One of my biggest pet peeves are bitter people. Call me neurotic but if it kills you to smile you should be working in dark warehouse that keeps you far, far away from the public, or be an existentialism writer that never leaves your basement. The hygienist Jamie was also extremely pleasant. I would wait months for an appointment with her (she only worked Wednesdays). Dr Luger (which is who you see the least was also very nice). I wish every medical practice was like his. It was also a plus that the chair gave you a massage as you got your teeth cleaned.


Now as far as a regular general physician Dr. Vega was the closest I came to trusting a doctor. I have every reason to feel uncomfortable with him as my doctor. He was also my mother's doctor and he worked at the same hospital with her. Needless to say I thought he would tell her everything I told him. However, I am not sure if it was because he knew my mother, he made me feel like I mattered. My mistrust came when I finally admitted that I suspected that I was depressed and suffered from anxiety. He prescribed me some paxil and referred me to a psychiatrist.


When I saw this psychiatrist that's when it all changed. This psychiatrist office was the coldest office ever! It may be my inner hypochondriac but the waiting room was so small it was enough to make the most sanest person claustrophobic. I have been a depressed person since middle school but it wasn't until my first semester of college that I admitted to anyone else.


I remember it as clear as yesterday. A friend's brother said to me, "Wow you sure have everything going for yourself. You are in college with a scholarship, you have a car, an awesome job and a boyfriend." I thought to myself, he was right. I should be the happiest person in the world but why do I feel so miserable.


Ironically at the moment everything should have been perfect. However, I was a lost soul in college, my boyfriend shortly left me for religion. Yeah, religion. That's a story for another blog. My friend convinced me a couple of months later to see the university's pysychologist who suggested I needed to seek help immediately from a psychiatrist. It was like the day before I was leaving to Europe. I was even suicidal at that stage. However that European trip was memorable and made me forget about my depression. Traveling is the cure to depression but definitely more expensive then medication.


It wasn't until I was nearly 21 that I attempted to do anything about my illness. My experience however reverted me back to my world of denial. As I sat in this tiny, cold waiting room completing this encyclopedia of a questionnaire, there was this teenage girl with her mother also sitting in the crowded waiting room.


This girl reminded me so much of the myself when I was her age. The difference being that she would speak every feeling, dislike, and concern. I have always been more of an introvert. Her mother, I could tell was nonchalant about the whole situation. Not an insensitive nonchalance but rather an exasperating be-numbness. You know that empty head nodding adults perform without providing any type of eye contact. The mother had that look people have when they have given up but go through the motions regardless. The tremendous fear a love one has of having her true feelings exposed. That's how I "perceived" or imagined that mother. I had a feeling that they had been at it for many year and judging from the things this girl was saying, therapy was not helping any of them. I could have very well made up this idea in my head. I have a hard time judging whether my perceptions of people and the environment are mere fabrications created by my chemical imbalance. I use the term "chemically imbalanced" embelishingly (yes that should be a word) since a different doctor later concluded I didn't have one according to my blood tests.


Did you ever wonder if your analysis of what you see was truly real? I mean I know it's a matter of perception but do I make up elaborate stories in my head to match my feelings? I believe so. When it was finally my turn I sat down with the doctor for what felt like no more than 5 minutes. He looked over my questionnaire asked me a couple of redundant questions, handed me a month worth of Lexapro and told me to make a follow up appointment to tell him how the medication was working. I looked at him bewildered, daunted and awed and asked "and that's it?" He responded somewhere along the lines of "were you expecting more?" or "what else would you like". I am pretty sure he referred to my question as if I was implying I wanted more medication. Once again I felt like he didn't care. Regardless of how he took the question I didn't elaborate or voice my concerns. I remember I broke down crying and just shared my anxiety and he also prescribed Xanax. He did think I meant more medication!


I went home took the lexapro maybe 3 times and decided I didn't trust this doctor that had just provided me with it. Another reason that didn't work out was because I was being judged by those around me. People would tell me that mental disability is pretty much a myth and all shrinks are quacks. The hilarious thing was that certain people believed the medication was really helping because I was bearable to be around. I thought to myself "you stupid bitch, this really shows how ignorant you are". But of course I just sat there, smiled, nodded and said nothing. I take the saying "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" really seriously.

The next time I tried to explain to a different doctor that I was depressed he said I wasn't. He provided the Xanax for the anxiety attacks and diagnosed me not being able to take change well. Jackass! I didn't bother to go into my history. The last time I went to a doctor I didn't even bother to go into my depression. This last doctor was the worst! My experience was short of misanthropic. I think the medical field has turned stone cold. Eyes, check, ears, check, throat, check, stomach, check...how have you been? "Well doctor I have had some stomach issues", here's a referral for a specialist...you take care now. Didn't bother to wait for the rest of my concerns as she put her hand on the door knob. My lack of assertiveness let it slide. As my inner self was screaming "You stupid idiot tell her that you are not done, and bring out the list of things you wanted to discuss!!!" and then my other voice saying "what's the point, it's not like she's going o deal with it anyway, she's just going to refer you to other specialist that are going to be more busy and less concerned with you". I took that referral and blood order and trashed them.


Every 2 years or so I give doctors a try. Mostly now I just tell myself "this depressive episode will pass." However it does affect my life. Maybe blogging will be my medication. I so wish I can travel again. That's one treatment plan that is not covered by any insurance. BTW my song choices for my blues is in shuffle mode right now. I always listen to Coldplay while I am feeling blue. I'll replay Fix You about 20 times.