Boys To Men Part 2

Three years ago I wrote a little post to accompany a graphic I worked on that contained the same exact Phillips Brooks quote. I first saw this quote when I dabbled in some scrap-booking.

The uncertainty of the future used to cause me some major anxiety. Imagining my boys' future, however gives me peace.

My ultimate favorite pastime with my boys is having conversation. Jayden, my eldest, hates it when I ask him about school. "Every day is the same thing." he tells me. Everyday we have the same conversation but every once in a while I hold a conversation with him that most adults would find hard to keep up with. Tonight we discussed an array of topics. It all started with him witnessing a phone call I made to the IRS. He was curious about what the IRS was and why they would owe me money. I began to explain taxes. I realized that I have to explain income. So I took out my last pay-stub and began my explanation. Pretty soon the conversation turned into an explanation on savings and the difference between credit and debit (not in accounting terms). We discussed the meaning of credit cards and loans. Something amazing happened. He tied in something he learned in school about what is is to buy something on credit. (Way to go Mrs. Puga on exposing her students to finance.)

"So you have learned something new in school! It's not really the 'same old-same old' is it!" I exclaimed. From there we discussed my goal of me saving to buy a house with a yard. I explained 401K and savings.

Eventually we discussed college. I told him that he should try his best to find what he truly loves to learn about so that he chooses the right field of study in college. I shared with him that I think he would be a good lawyer but he is not really comfortable defending people who are guilty. I explained to him he can work for the prosecution. This kid has a very high moral compass. He makes me proud everyday.

We discussed the importance of grades to get scholarships. I told him that regardless I would make sure his college is paid but to avoid private schools because I would never be able to afford that.
"So I can't go to Harvard?" he asked.
"Not unless you get a scholarship" I said. He pondered a bit.
"What's the best school for coding?" he asked.
"MIT" I said, "It's in Massachusetts."
"MASSACHUSETTS!!!! But I thought it was in California."

He makes me laugh. I wish I had recorded the conversation we had today. It was so complex and fascinating.

I ended the conversation by reiterating that the goal in life is to find something he loves to do and is good at. Find your passion. But then I ended on a joke after coming full circle and returning to wages and taxes and bills:

"Don't grow up Jayden, IT'S A TRAP!"

He laughed out loud  and referenced Star Wars. It was a perfect moment. It was a win for parenting and motherhood.

Realizing I am no longer 19

The end of my 20's is approaching fast. This past weekend was like a slap to the face. A slap that made me realized I an not 19...I am 29.

First, I thought it was a great idea to orchestrate a happy hour to be able to bond with my coworkers. In all honesty it was a great idea. Everyone had fun. I got to see certain people let lose while others opened up. All in all, it was a great bonding experience. I was even proud of myself for being able to out drink certain characters.

The problem arose when I thought that I could continue with the drinking the next day. I had to work on a Saturday; which after a night or drinking, was not half bad.
Sign number one that I am getting "too old for this" revealed itself when I decided to take a nap after I got home from running a few errands. I knew I needed a recharge before Saturday night began.

Another night of drinking commenced at a friend's house. It entailed a few shenanigans like the drawing of a phallus on a dozing friend and the infamous drunk dialing to an ex. It was all fun and games until I realized I was way over my limit. I don't even know what happened. I have always been able to control my inebriation. However, that raspberry vodka has a way of sneaking up on you until it is too late!

I got sick that very night. I have no idea at what time I feel asleep but I know I was up at 8:00 in the morning, somehow still drunk and still sick.I couldn't remember where I had placed my glasses so I wore my friends.  I could not hydrate myself because even water would not stay down that morning. In laments terms, I woke up feeling like shit!

It was not until like 5:00 p.m. when I was finally able to keep some food in my stomach.

I guess since I woke up so early on Sunday and felt like I was still drunk, that my hangover did not hit me until Monday! I didn't know that was even possible. But there I was Monday morning with a raging headache realizing...So this is what the end of your 20's feel like... shame and regret.

Not really, but it was a funny and melodramatic way to end this post.

Existential Crisis Continues

Lately I've been having this intense feeling of unworthiness. I can't seem to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. This feeling of unworthiness has alienated me from people. By the time I try to get close to the ones I love it feels like it's too late. I have always had a hard time relating to people. There are very few that I can have a deep connection with. I don't want superficial friends. I want people around that I can have deep conversations with. Most people are only out to have a good time and show the world how happy and fun they are through social media. No one seems to want to have a good heart to heart. Could they be trying to avoid reality like I am?

My fears have taken over me. When fear comes rushing in, nature calls for you to fight or flee. Many often forget the third plausible reaction to fear...freeze. I always seem to just freeze. I hate myself for it but it's all I know to do.

I am trapped in my mind. I am afraid that I will always be this unhappy lost little girl. I fear I can never be happy. I hate that feeling so much.

I recently re watched the film Revolutionary Road. Great film but pretty dark. It's films like that which I have been relating to the most lately. Sylvia is another one. In high school I hated the Bell Jar. Probably because I saw a bit of myself in it. Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coehlo is another book that best describes what I have been going though. I hate to make all these references without elaborating more on it but that's just me. Always trying to find art that imitates my life because I do not have the words to explain it myself.

Going through withdrawal.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

 Yesterday morning I listened to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart and emotions just started pouring in. When I think about him I can't help but have this glimmer of hope. I still love him. How is it possible to be so angry at someone you love? One thing I do know is that it's definitely not loneliness that I am feeling. I know this but I never felt more alone than when I was in the same room with him and It was like I didn't exist.  

But I guess I'm still in love with the illusion. I once read that love is 1/4 reality and 3/4 dream, and problems arise when you only fall in love with the dream. So yeah... I can be a testament to that.

The bold underlined parts of the lyrics are the ones that I always cry through as I sing them.

"Total Eclipse Of The Heart"

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

Away we go...separately.

I figured that it's best for everything bad to occur all at once.
My family is going through some unexpected and expected plot twists in this novel I like to call LIFE.

The unexpected plot twist is a story on it's own but the expected is what this post is about.

The father of my children and I have decided to call it quits. I have ruined our family's perfect record of everlasting love in both our families. I am feeling so much. Fear and devastation are my top emotions right now. Even though I was not happy before, I sure don't feel any better now. I just feel like a failure, which feels all too familiar.

So far it all feels surreal... I mean it has only been a day that it was made official.We had been falling apart for a while now and we were just avoiding the situation.

 A part of me finds it silly to be mourning this separation. It has been a long time coming. We had lost each other long ago but neither of us was ready to admit it. But when we were finally ready to admit it to each other, it was like ripping off a band-aid. We didn't even do it face to face. We were actually in different cities. But I think it worked for us. We both have a hard time putting feelings into verbal words. At least it wasn't on a post it!

 In the words of Edith Piaf, "Je ne regrette rien. Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal tout ca m'est bien egal." Which means: "I regret nothing. Not the good things that have been done to me nor the bad things, they are all the same to me." I received the most beautiful gifts from this chapter in my life, my two boys. Where there's a yin, there's a yang.

Well I did say I like new experiences and adventure. It can't get more adventurous and new than this.


How do I cope? Well since I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, I lose myself in thought to the musical styling of Of Monsters And Men. What an amazing album. I think soon I will change to The Civil Wars.

 I know that as soon as I get back in the work force I will no longer dwell on the subject. I have bigger problems to worry about now. 

Typography Thursday: Keiko Lynn

I have so many feelings that I just can't put to words. None of these feelings are rainbows and butterflies.

 I read a post by Keiko Lynn and she said something that I thought was bittersweet.

 She said "What the stars ignite, the sun will smother."

 This resembles me. At night I am always making these elaborate delusional plans and dreams but in the morning they all seem less possible. I changed the the quote around because the sun is a star and I thought it would be redundant.

Cellophane

http://cheezburger.com/2408911616

I am so tired. Emotionally drained. I don't want someone to do something just because I want them to do it. I want that person to be just as excited as I am when they are participating in life. I am tired of seeing a sour face. I am beyond fed up with nonchalance. I only pretend to be a homebody. I really am adventurous but I don't really have anyone to have these adventures with. That devastates me. I can tell why it took Ted Mosby 8 years to find The Mother.

I want someone who understands sacrifices. We can all be a little selfish sometimes but when EVERYTHING depends on whether or not it's something for your convenience then it's ridiculous and just plain unacceptable.

I don't even keep these feelings to myself. I speak them loud and clear. But it's as if I never even said them at all. Worst, at times it's as if I don't even exist at all. Queue Mr. Cellophane from Chicago.

Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand the idiom "Mejor estar sola que mal acompañada." Which means it's better to be alone than in bad company...it sounds prettier in Spanish. I have tried to remain strong and just suck it up. Obviously I have just been lying to myself. I will always be the first to admit that I am delusional.

I become complacent in my situation. It only takes a glimmer of hope to drag me back in. They say that there are always good times and bad times but I don't spend my days counting my pros and cons. All I know is that when the bad times appear is is intensely painful and the good times aren't exceptionally exciting. I think I get more excited about the fact that a happy moment occurred in the first place!

Yet I remain in the same situation.

I swear I am not un-interested!

Yesterday I received a phone call from my 3rd grader's school counselor. Even though I knew in the back of my mind what the phone call was about, as a parent you can't but assume the worst! After what felt like the longest introduction she added "Jayden is fine."

I don't know if it's my introvert nature or the fact that I had a mini panic attack, I didn't manage to give her more than one to two word responses. So when I hung up, I couldn't help but redo the conversation in my head.

So here we go:

Counselor: "Hi this is Jayden's counselor Mrs Huertas here at Endeavor Elementary."
Pu**y Me: (in my freak out tone) "O.K."
Bad A** Me: "Is everything Ok?! Oh hi Mrs. Huertas is this about Jayden's gifted screening? I didnt expect to get a call from you. I figured you would send a letter."

Counselor: "Jayden is fine"
Pu**y Me: "oh o.k."
Bad A** Me: "Oh thank goodness, you should have lead with that. Parents freak out when they get phone calls from school you know."

Counselor:" I screened Jayden today for gifted as requested"
Pu**y Me: "ok"
Bad A** Me: That's great. What did this test consist of? Did he pass with flying colors or he just barely make it?

Counselor: He passed the screening
Pu**y Me: O.K. (or "good", can't recall.)
Bad A** me: I figured he would (sounds douchy right? Probably why I didn't say it out loud.)

Counselor: Jayden is here with me. The school psychologist will do the rest of the testing. She does testing twice a week. The time frame for her to conclude the testing is 4-5 weeks. But it can just as easily be 2-3 weeks. But it is protocol to tell you 4-5 weeks. The testing will be done randomly so you won't have any notice as to when he will be tested. But no matter the results the psychologist will go over the results with you.
Pu**y Me: (feeling a little overwhelmed with all this information and feeling like I really didn't have a chance to squeeze any comments in this soliloquy ) "o.k thank you for letting me know"
Bad A** Me: Oh can I talk to Jayden to say hi and good job? What does the psychological test consist of?? I know all about protocols. I know how crazy and annoying parents can get but don't worry I am a considerate non smothering parent. Why does the testing take so long? Is it more than one test? Why is it random? Are you guys afraid of parents prepping their kids for these tests?


She must have thought I was super uninterested in the whole situation but I assure you I was not! I bet that's how I seem to many people. Sometimes I think I am too polite for my own good. I always worry about how I sound to other people. To make up for it I redo conversation and situations  in my head. The funny part is that Jayden is the same way and I always tell him "Don't give one word answers". Do you think it's nature or nurture? This was fun. I think I'll start posting the conversations I wished I had redone.

Confessions of a girl: Beautification

I perceive myself as a girly girl still stuck in her chrysalis. A diamond in the rough per se. I love fashion, makeup, nail polishes, heels etc. etc. etc. but I wont buy a fabulous outfit if it's at an absurd and  extravagant price.  Sometimes I wonder if I associate this subject like a work of art. You know when you go to a museum and see an incredible work of art and think to yourself, "Man I wish I could do that!"? Well that's how I feel about all things girl related.

Let me tell you in advance that it is not because I am outnumbered by boys 3:1.
Both times I was told I was having a boy I was actually relieved! How am suppose to raise a girl if I don't know how to be a girl? I mean I have all the emotional elements down pact but I don't have the domestic gene and I don't know how to look the part! I have yet to evolve into mainstream glamour.

Maybe I have and I just find being a girly girl exhausting! I mean who actually has the time to blow dry their hair everyday! Wake up super early to wash the hair that needs to be blow dried daily, shave your legs, pits and  that place down there in between the legs and pits. ;) After washing your face you have the pore cleanser, the toner, then the moisturizer, the eye cream, the foundation,  the powder, the eye shadows (plural because you need 3 shades!), the liner,  the mascara, the bronzer, the blush, the lip liner, lipstick and GLOSS! Geesh

It is exhausting just LISTING IT ALL. And that's just your face. Lets not mention the outfit with all the layers and a million accessories which I also love but always cost more than the outfit itself! I can just hear Clinton and Stacy in my head go on and on about how I learned nothing from How Do I Look?... oh wait It's What Not to Wear? If they were dead they would turn in their graves!

Anyway, like every girl...I have the urge to feel pretty even if most days I look like I give three flying Frankensteins.

Pretty much every Friday is my Beautification Day. I glam it up for myself. Just to be able to say, "yeah I DO clean up nice I know". I also take self-ies and post them on Facebook even though I NEVER have any where to go. Life of a scanty mom!

Now this beautification ritual is extensively long. It takes me a minimum of 4 hours! My favorite part is doing my nail art. A single nail color is boring, I like to go for the whole shebang! I follow CutePolish for all the nail art ideas. My least favorite part? It's a toss up between blow drying my ridiculously long hair and waiting for my nails to dry after every step! Both segments are excruciating.

Tonight, as I was watching the season premier of the Walking Dead, I was thinking to myself: I don't moisturize nearly as enough as I should. So I opened up my dusty Beautification kit and took out a night cream I had bought like a year ago!

 I started thinking to myself why are there so many creams and lotions? Is a cream different from a lotion? Why can't I use the night cream in the day? Will I burn like a vampire if I walk outside while the sun is up, with my night cream on? Then I moved on to the anti aging eye cream. If the night cream has a warning to "stay away from the eyes" why do I feel safe putting the eye cream all around my eyes? 

Somewhere after the scene where Daryl is feeling totally awkward about his new found popularity I starting putting on my hand cream which in my opinion made my hands look greasy. Then I rubbed this really good smelling coconut foot cream on my less than perfect feet. I wonder if this lack of massive moisturizing will come back to haunt me when I am 50. I'll get back to you in 20 years with that!

This is me  as I was writing this blog with my freshly washed un-styled hair and no makeup. This is my good messy hair, you don't want to see this thing tomorrow morning. Now for some Beautification shots.

To motivate myself to be less frumpy I'll post about my beautification day and called it:

 FAIREST FRIDAYS!

Mirror Mirror On the Wall Who's the Fairest of them All...

at least for one day of the week which is usually a Friday?

I KNOW I will never be Keiko Lynn. She is like super fashion vixen. But a girl can be delusional...I mean dream.

4th Down From 30 Before 40: Get a Degree!

I earned a degree before I turned 30! It's is not my Bachelors but it's an accomplishment nonetheless. I earned my Associate in Science in Business Administration. The degree was awarded on July 30th 2013 but I just received it in the mail. College was a rough start for me when I was 18. I remember going to class and never speaking to anyone. It was very overwhelming. It was all about "get in and get out as fast as you can". I learned the hard way that you have to make friends and study groups. It makes the hard classes bearable and easier.
My experience at Valencia was way better. I met a lot of fun people. Even though our study groups were 50% goofing around, 10% eating and only 40% studying, I still managed to be on the President's List every semester.
I will continue to get my Bachelor's and then my Masters. I have a lifetime ahead of me to finish.

3rd down from 30 Before 30: Passport Stamped

I turned 29 this month so it's officially crunch time for my 30 before 30 list to be completed!

I imagined that I would return to Europe before I am 30. There is still time. This summer I was offered the opportunity to visit Cancun, Mexico. My brother is always inviting me on his last minute trips and I usually decline.

This time, he and my mother invited me again. When I said "sure what the heck!"  I didn't even realized that it was something I needed to get scratched off my list. It was a short 3 day trip to a resort. We even drove 2 hours to Chichen-Itza one of the days.

The trip was a bit bittersweet since the kiddos didn't go. I am pleased to say "Get Passport Stamped Again" is officially done.

30 before 30: 2 down!

I can scratch off a second thing off my list! 

This was the first thing to be scratched off.

I got a small photography gig! So that counts as become a professional photographer =)

Revelations of One Day

Quick updates:

I have postponed my 21 Days Straight Challange. I wish I can say it was due to the fact that I had emergency surgery on March 28 to remove my gall bladder, but I had already willfully failed by March 15 because my Minecraft craft (hehe the repetition always makes me laugh..like RomCom Con, Happy Endings reference) consumed me for 3 days and I didn't go to the gym although I did remain active. Walking for 5 hours at a convention is a workout!

You are probably still wondering about the surgery. Even if you are not I will explain further anyway!
My son's fun exciting spring break was a bit foiled by my hospitalization. My "contributor" (who STILL has YET to post ANYTHING) and I had many fun activities planned for the kiddos. An accumulation of many unfortunate events occurred.  Some even on her part; wouldn't it be awesome if she posted about her side of the events! HINT HINT, wink wink, nudge, Morris code, smoke signals. 

The rainbow during the rain: I got my parents and one out of two brother's come visit me with his whole family utilizing my second brother's car. Ergo, my other brother did his part too =)

Now that we are all caught up I can start with my true purpose of this post; my revelations.

1) I only seem to dream when I am sleep deprived and extremely exhausted when I knock out.
2) I seem to be at my most productive, creative and ambitious when I dream
3) I just realized that there may be a confounding variable in my previous assumption: I may just very be having another manic episode. Are vivid realistic dreams a symptom of mania? Note to self: Google that.
4) Studying in a group may not be efficient (time management wise) but it sure is effective and mostly rewarding.
5) Being in my study group will always yield a proportion of half the time studying and half the time A.D.D.ing (yes, I use a noun as a present participle, I even like using it as a verb. After-after thought: I had to Google "present participle" too) with a standard deviation of .10
6) I have a hypothesis that states neediness and independence are not on the same spectrum but in fact are on two different spectrums. Meaning, I don't believe that becoming more independent will make you less needy. One factor will either make you more independent but not necessarily less needy.
7) 5 hour energy drinks are not ALWAYS effective.
8) You accept stranger's flaws but you should adore your true friends/soul mate's flaws. Ted Mosby knows a lot about the latter; then again he has spent over 8 years trying to find his children's mother.
9) Life is all about perspective and my change irradically sporadically (I seriously thought the opposite of radically was the former).
10) I lose my patience with my kids more than I like and I always regret it but in the heat of the moment my reaction is ALWAYS faster than my thought process.
11) I am almost positive my children will grow up never doubting if they're loved , if I support them, if they're awesome, if they're important, if they're appreciated.
12) I do however think that what they think makes me awesome will then be interpreted as "crazy" when they get older and develop their cognitive abilities.
13) Opposites may attract but they also create too much friction (Insert Sheldon Cooper's correction here).
14) For a person that is not really a Big Bang Theory fan I always find myself thinking "how would Sheldon Cooper respond to that?"
15) Telling my hubby he's not affectionate enough does not yield the results I desire.
16) I compensate for my hubby's lack of affection toward me by being overly affectionate towards him.
17) I will graduate with my A.S. with enough credits to have obtained a B.S/B.A.
18) My bumpy start with college 10 years ago have developed me to be a better learner.
19) I truly believe things happen for a reason but not necessarily are predestined.
20) These were too many revelations for one day.

The last one may or may not have been a revelation as much as an after though. I really wanted to end on an even number.

Feelings/Nerd Wars

It seems that I am trying to make up for the many months I did not post anything. Or a clinical psychologist would say I am having a manic episode. I happen to like my manic episodes. I am at my very best. The other pole puts me in a dark and twisty place (Grey's Anatomy reference) and I lose my incentive to want to write about anything! Depression sucks!

Whenever I am extra sensitive about things I feel like this:

Writing is the only way I can release all those feelings. I can't comprehend why the words I have in my mind cannot transfer to my vocal chords and shoot out of my mouth! It is beyond aggravating. I think it has to do with fear. The fear of what people will think about me. Then again if that is the case then why can I so easily put it in writing. I guess it's easier for me to filter myself in writing. I am contently worried about saying the wrong thing.

I don't like to offend people. I offend myself when I offend others. I care what other people think way too much. Don't try to tell me "it doesn't matter what people think." I can't help myself. I wish I was like Jennifer Lawrence. She is so freaking charismatic that it doesn't matter when what comes out of her is ridiculous. Maybe it's because she is gorgeous. Are people more accepting of people's mistakes if they are really good looking?

You know who else I admire and hate at the same time. This girl: Danielle from Nerd Wars

People with no filter are annoying to me! Yet I also admire that. Hence the love/hate relationship. If you haven't watched Nerd Wars you have to. It's freaking awesome! Jayden LOVES her. 

I just realized Madeina is like her in many way (minus the crying a lot). So if Danielle is Madeina then I must be Genevieve. 

Yup. Sounds about right. 

This also means Karol would be Celeste:

The sweet and "innocent" one trying to fly under the radar! Now go watch the Nerd Wars if you are a self proclaimed nerd!

Downward Spiral

The very first day of August I was on my way to the doctor's office with my two boys. It was raining very hard and I was coming to a red light when I saw the car in front of me hydroplane. I panicked but my with good reason. I thought I was going to hydroplane myself. Call it a self fulling prophecy, but that is exactly what happened. I made the number one mistake of pressing down on the brakes thinking it would help but instead it locked up the steering wheel so I couldn't even change lanes to avoid crashing into the car in front of me.

The kids and I were physically fine. I did have a total panic attack. If it weren't for some good samaritans I would have stayed in the middle of the busy road, frozen. They were quick to get my battery reconnected so that I can put the car in neutral so they can push me to safety.

Now I know that everyone always says "the important thing was no one was hurt." Don't say that to a neurotic individual like myself because it doesn't help! Of course I am grateful no one got hurt but at that moment, "it could have been worst" was not making me feel better.

Great, just freaking great! I just crashed the car, that isn't even mine but relied on to get around. The car that I was not even on the insurance for. The fault was going to be given to me since I hit someone from behind.

I survived though. I survived to deal with the aftermath. The $164.00 ticket I have to pay for being a "careless driver." I am not even going to bother to fight it because the cop places the fear in you that the amount can double if I was to fight it and lose. Who can afford that? How can I prove that it wasn't my fault but rather the rain. The rain can't stimulate the economy by paying a $164.00 ticket or double if you are found guilty in court. Then will the insurance cover that poor innocent girls car? The days of waiting for what the insurance will say are terrifying. Can I be sued? Knowing that regardless of whether or not the insurance will cover the other girl's car, it still is not going to fix our car for the mistake (according to FHP) that was my fault.

If they do cover the other girls car, I still need to pay $1,000 for the deductible. The money I had saved to fix the car that actually belongs to us. I try to tell myself, at least I have the money. But a part of me just wants to yell LIFE IS SUCH A BITCH! So I become depressed. Depressed because I am stuck at home. Depressed because I don't know if I will have enough money left over to even fix the car. Depressed because I am suppose to be starting school full time again and won't have a way to get there. Oh Depressed because that happened to be the same week my parents were coming to visit me and the kids and I couldn't even take them out. Depressed because it was my birthday and I was so looking forward to doing something more exciting than just staying home at night. My birthday which landed on a Saturday. The one highlight was that my mother-in-law agreed to take me back to school shopping for Jayden just to make me feel better on my birthday. I did have fun in the day time shopping for my son. I even managed to get myself 2 pairs of shorts as my own birthday gift.

Another highlight was when last Sunday afternoon I was moping around the house and shared my feelings with the hubby and instead of him shrugging me off actually took initiative and got me out of the house. We walked to a shopping center nearby, had lunch, strolled around, had ice cream and watched a movie. I was extremely grateful but once I was in the house again I became depressed again.

I know I am being petty and I should try to just figure out a solution. But that is the epitome of depression. The tiniest little problem seems impossible to solve and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In my mind this is the end of world! Even though I should just be grateful that things could have been worst. It's way easier said than done. The depression keeps me wallowing in my self pity.

My Battle With Insomnia & Mania

You know that time between extremely late night & the sun is about to come out? That time when you feel it’s way too late to even bother going to sleep because if you do you are going to wake up way too late. Well that’s the time when I feel the most productive. Theoretically that is. When I get insomnia it’s because I have a million and one thoughts going through my head. That endless “to-do” list keeps repeating over and over again in your mind. You can’t sleep because you have a lot to do. Then again, you won’t be able to do those things because you have not slept! Quite a pickle I am in. Certainly this sounds familiar to many people. My problem is my “to-do” list extends far beyond what I need to get done in the morning. I stretch it out and go as far as my 5 year plan.

For example: I need to finish organizing the room tomorrow. I have to pick up all the toys. But I haven’t finished updating the toy box. In order to finish updating the toy box I have to get additional materials. I have to vacuum the room. There’s a horrible stain on the carpet that is really bothering me. I have to also get a steam vacuum. Where do I get a steam vacuum? How much will it cost? Will I know how to use it? It’s going to take forever for me to use it. Do I have to treat the carpet with a special product first? Now I have to go & research carpet cleaning. When I do get the steamer…I am going to have to move all the furniture in the room to make sure the entire carpet is cleaned. That’s a lot of furniture. The dresser is extremely heavy, as is the wardrobe. I need more storage containers. I am not pleased with the storage boxes I got on sale from Ikea. They don’t match my color scheme. Many items don’t match my color scheme. I should go to Home Depot & buy spray paint to paint the items and get them to match my color scheme. Which things should I spray paint? Should I stencil some? Which ones? Should I do a silver background & aquamarine stencil. Or should it be an aquamarine background with a silver stencil? Or maybe it should be tan with silver. It all depends on the item & the location of the item. I need an area rug. What design should I chose for an area rug. I don’t want to spend too much money on an area rug… It goes on and on and on.

Those thoughts are all crammed into a span of no more of 5 minutes. But I keep repeating those same thoughts over & over and over until it is 6:15 a.m. in the morning & I force myself to go to bed.

The internet doesn’t help. I begin researching one thing which leads me to research another topic and another. YouTube break. Music is needed to match the feelings.  Nevertheless, now I have focused some of that energy into my writing. That’s a smidge more productive then just over analyzing.

My over-thinking scares me sometimes.  I have come a long way. It used to deter me from getting anything accomplished. It has gotten better. But once in a while I get my manic moments. The worst is when I am super hard on myself because I know I won’t be able to get anything done. My body is going to be all out of whack. Even though I can physically get up early, mentally I will be drained.

The next day: I wake up at a reasonable hour. Would 11:00 am on a Sunday be considered reasonable? Let’s see. Stores don’t open until noon anyway so consensus say...yes!

 My day is surprisingly productive & has a mostly sanguine disposition. (Word of the day: sanguine Use it in a sentence today!) I am surprised because my manic episodes are usually followed by quite a few depressive days.

I finished organizing the room!  Toys picked up, laundry finished (including towels & linens), blog updated, carpet vacuumed, kids stimulated with artistic activities,  furniture dusted, blog updated, husband pleased...oops… maybe it’s a negative on the last one. But I can’t ever win with him regardless. I will score this one as a victory, even though I neither made it to home depot for spray paint nor Ikea for a rug.

However, we have come full circle. It is once again almost 4:00 a.m. Tomorrow, I mean later on today will be another day. Can I keep a streak going? Doubtful. My body & mind needs some rest. Could this be manic day number two? That would certainly be new. I have never had two manic days in a row.  The suspense is killing me.

 If this hit you from left field you may want some background info from here.

Mistrust, Depression, Denial.

My friend Maddie said I look sad in this photo.

Medical attention is extremely important. One is to get a physical done every year and talk to your doctor about all your concerns so that a little thing doesn't become a major problem. But what happens when you have not found a doctor you can trust. Anyone can tell you that I should definitely be under a physician's watch. The only doctor that I truly enjoyed going to is my dentist Dr. Luger. My dentist!


To me a practice should make you feel welcomed from the minute you walk in! Dr. Luger's office succeeded in that and even went beyond! The receptionist was a sweet lady who was always smiling. That was important to me. One of my biggest pet peeves are bitter people. Call me neurotic but if it kills you to smile you should be working in dark warehouse that keeps you far, far away from the public, or be an existentialism writer that never leaves your basement. The hygienist Jamie was also extremely pleasant. I would wait months for an appointment with her (she only worked Wednesdays). Dr Luger (which is who you see the least was also very nice). I wish every medical practice was like his. It was also a plus that the chair gave you a massage as you got your teeth cleaned.


Now as far as a regular general physician Dr. Vega was the closest I came to trusting a doctor. I have every reason to feel uncomfortable with him as my doctor. He was also my mother's doctor and he worked at the same hospital with her. Needless to say I thought he would tell her everything I told him. However, I am not sure if it was because he knew my mother, he made me feel like I mattered. My mistrust came when I finally admitted that I suspected that I was depressed and suffered from anxiety. He prescribed me some paxil and referred me to a psychiatrist.


When I saw this psychiatrist that's when it all changed. This psychiatrist office was the coldest office ever! It may be my inner hypochondriac but the waiting room was so small it was enough to make the most sanest person claustrophobic. I have been a depressed person since middle school but it wasn't until my first semester of college that I admitted to anyone else.


I remember it as clear as yesterday. A friend's brother said to me, "Wow you sure have everything going for yourself. You are in college with a scholarship, you have a car, an awesome job and a boyfriend." I thought to myself, he was right. I should be the happiest person in the world but why do I feel so miserable.


Ironically at the moment everything should have been perfect. However, I was a lost soul in college, my boyfriend shortly left me for religion. Yeah, religion. That's a story for another blog. My friend convinced me a couple of months later to see the university's pysychologist who suggested I needed to seek help immediately from a psychiatrist. It was like the day before I was leaving to Europe. I was even suicidal at that stage. However that European trip was memorable and made me forget about my depression. Traveling is the cure to depression but definitely more expensive then medication.


It wasn't until I was nearly 21 that I attempted to do anything about my illness. My experience however reverted me back to my world of denial. As I sat in this tiny, cold waiting room completing this encyclopedia of a questionnaire, there was this teenage girl with her mother also sitting in the crowded waiting room.


This girl reminded me so much of the myself when I was her age. The difference being that she would speak every feeling, dislike, and concern. I have always been more of an introvert. Her mother, I could tell was nonchalant about the whole situation. Not an insensitive nonchalance but rather an exasperating be-numbness. You know that empty head nodding adults perform without providing any type of eye contact. The mother had that look people have when they have given up but go through the motions regardless. The tremendous fear a love one has of having her true feelings exposed. That's how I "perceived" or imagined that mother. I had a feeling that they had been at it for many year and judging from the things this girl was saying, therapy was not helping any of them. I could have very well made up this idea in my head. I have a hard time judging whether my perceptions of people and the environment are mere fabrications created by my chemical imbalance. I use the term "chemically imbalanced" embelishingly (yes that should be a word) since a different doctor later concluded I didn't have one according to my blood tests.


Did you ever wonder if your analysis of what you see was truly real? I mean I know it's a matter of perception but do I make up elaborate stories in my head to match my feelings? I believe so. When it was finally my turn I sat down with the doctor for what felt like no more than 5 minutes. He looked over my questionnaire asked me a couple of redundant questions, handed me a month worth of Lexapro and told me to make a follow up appointment to tell him how the medication was working. I looked at him bewildered, daunted and awed and asked "and that's it?" He responded somewhere along the lines of "were you expecting more?" or "what else would you like". I am pretty sure he referred to my question as if I was implying I wanted more medication. Once again I felt like he didn't care. Regardless of how he took the question I didn't elaborate or voice my concerns. I remember I broke down crying and just shared my anxiety and he also prescribed Xanax. He did think I meant more medication!


I went home took the lexapro maybe 3 times and decided I didn't trust this doctor that had just provided me with it. Another reason that didn't work out was because I was being judged by those around me. People would tell me that mental disability is pretty much a myth and all shrinks are quacks. The hilarious thing was that certain people believed the medication was really helping because I was bearable to be around. I thought to myself "you stupid bitch, this really shows how ignorant you are". But of course I just sat there, smiled, nodded and said nothing. I take the saying "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" really seriously.

The next time I tried to explain to a different doctor that I was depressed he said I wasn't. He provided the Xanax for the anxiety attacks and diagnosed me not being able to take change well. Jackass! I didn't bother to go into my history. The last time I went to a doctor I didn't even bother to go into my depression. This last doctor was the worst! My experience was short of misanthropic. I think the medical field has turned stone cold. Eyes, check, ears, check, throat, check, stomach, check...how have you been? "Well doctor I have had some stomach issues", here's a referral for a specialist...you take care now. Didn't bother to wait for the rest of my concerns as she put her hand on the door knob. My lack of assertiveness let it slide. As my inner self was screaming "You stupid idiot tell her that you are not done, and bring out the list of things you wanted to discuss!!!" and then my other voice saying "what's the point, it's not like she's going o deal with it anyway, she's just going to refer you to other specialist that are going to be more busy and less concerned with you". I took that referral and blood order and trashed them.


Every 2 years or so I give doctors a try. Mostly now I just tell myself "this depressive episode will pass." However it does affect my life. Maybe blogging will be my medication. I so wish I can travel again. That's one treatment plan that is not covered by any insurance. BTW my song choices for my blues is in shuffle mode right now. I always listen to Coldplay while I am feeling blue. I'll replay Fix You about 20 times.

Perfection will not mean Procrastination.

Earlier I stated that I consider myself a half-ass overachiever. Let me expand on that. I have an endless array of projects and goals on my imaginary to do list. My plan of action and my blue prints are all in my head. They are of grandeur. Most of them stay in my head with the hope that one day they will just spontaneously generate. No, not really. I am not delusional. Well maybe I am with somethings. A little delusion is quite healthy.

My projects don't get off the ground because I am a perfectionist. Not the kind that will work on something forever until it is just right. I am the kind that will procrastinate if it is not absolutely perfect in my head. The worst feeling in the world for me (besides finding out I was lied to) is disappointment. It is beyond aggravating when things don't work out the way I envisioned them. When I have a project in my mind I NEVER take it one step at a time. If I think that step 11 is not going to be possible for "X" reason, I refuse to go through step 1-10 to leave it unfinished. The fear of having a halt in my project prevents me from starting one in the first place. I guess I have to weigh my options. I mean what's worst? Procrastinating or having unfinished projects? 

As I am writing this I have an excellent peripheral view of a headboard project I started. I keep looking up at it because it is incomplete. Neurotic? I know right. I need to learn to enjoy the completion of every step and avoid being so hard on myself that I am not ready for the next. I almost had a melt down while starting off. I saw this upholstered headboard on this blog. I fell in love with the fabric and the concept of the squares. Before I decided if I could actually do it I did endless hours of research. Once again neurotic right? Research to make a headboard? Well as much as I LOVED the fabric I was not sure if it was the perfect fabric. I looked through hundreds of fabrics online. Once I found a fabric I liked online I decided to go to my local home fabrics store. They had the original print I liked but not in the color I liked. They had other fabrics that I liked. I couldn't make up my mind! I literally had a different fabric in my cart when I made the final decision and chose this one.

This is one of the finished squares. Disaster struck when my mother-in-law was helping me cut the fabric. The print was not symmetrical and I wanted the design to be centered on each square. Also there were wide and narrow designs and I wanted the wide ones only. My mother-in-law cut out the narrow ones by mistake. So now I had uneven, non-matching squares. I almost scratched the whole project and was about to go and spend another $30.00 on new fabric. I told myself to stop freaking out. FYI I internally freak out. I didn't let my mother-in-law see my apprehension. Instead I decided to just go with the flow. Assembling the squares was another mental freak out.

 The board I bought to make the 10X10 squares were not 1/4 mahogany underlay like the tutorial said. In spanish it's called "carton piedra"; if you speak spanish you know that piedra means rock. That should have been a sign. We asked the guy at home depot if we can staple through it and he said "yeah". He lied, partially. The staples did not go through with ease. If you plan on completing this project, do not use this type of board.

The same guy also cut out my 10x10 squares. There were some that came out as rhombuses. That was aggravating. If you are a geek like me you know that a rhombus does not have right (90 degree) angles. I overly  stress the little things. I started assembling the 24 squares. The first day I only completed 10 because I was using a manual staple gun since the automatic was not doing it's job. I took a 4 day rest because my hand was so sore. Just yesterday I finished all 24 squares.  Voilá!

I am planning to mount it this week. 

This blog is another project that won't get lost in my mind. I want it to be visually captivating but that won't deter me from maintaining a steady pace. I'll try to post at least once a week. I'm starting to accept imperfections in my life.  This blog and  this headboard is only the beginning.

UPDATE: 7/15/2012
I did mount the headboard that week but I wanted to finish more decorating projects before I posted the pictures. Since I finished the headboard I have also added a wardrobe, some frames, and a chest. None of those items are ready for a reveal. But here's a pic of the headboard mounted. I need some decor on those empty walls!

I think I should have mounted it a little higher. But overall I am happy with the results. 

Thanks Sawdust & Embryos for the inspiration!

Blogging...a new frontier.

In my mind I live in this fascinating world. Sixty percent is completely made up, forty percent is a reflection of my real life. Have fun figuring out which posts are autobiographical and which are pure fiction! I am a little like the Owen Wilson character from Midnight in Paris. Tragedy has never struck me although I am overly dramatic. My relationship is  was not a Disney fairy tale however I love passionately. I am not in the running for the "Mother of The Year" award but to my children I am the best mom in the world. I once defined myself as a half-ass over-achiever. Blogging is something I have considered for a while now. Before this post  I had my blogger account for 2 years This seems like good practice for writing a book, which by the way, is on my bucket list. My friend "V" gave me the idea to call my book IdiosynCRAZY! It's suppose to be a memoir of my life experience/perception. I can only hope to be as funny as David Sedaris. I first read his work (Naked) sophomore year of High School. Ah sophomore year, those were some good times.

Most of my blogs will be extremely random. I have a tendency to get off subject both in verbal conversation as well as in written form. It's more severe in writing. I am trying to start off a photography business. I have mostly worked in a portrait studio. Best job in the world! It changed my life. I met my ex hubby  ( we are not legally married but have been together for 8,  9 10 0 years now) through a co-worker, who later became my best friend and has been trying to make me her sister-in-law. The ex hubby and I have 2 beautiful sons together. This world is made for a family of four so we don't have any intention of having anymore kids. Photography is a passion of mine, but I get aggravated when I can't capture an image the way I see it through my eyes. I will be posting about my kids, my ex hubby (without his permission), my photography, my art and craft projects that I rip off from Pinterest, my past, my present and my future. So, as the title  of one of my favorite movies...AWAY WE GO! FYI, you will be seeing a lot of movie references. =)