Parenting: The battle between Bruce Banner and The Hulk

Just like Bruce Banner, my emotional reactions are almost impossible contain. When I experience any form of discomfort, anxiety or rage…I turn as green as Nickelodeon’s extinct slime!

My most recent episode came yesterday when I decided to check on my 11 year old’s grades and found out he had a D in mathematics. Now before you judge me, let me give you a little background information on our current school year situation.

I have raised my children to care about their grades. I have explained to them that grades are not a true measure of their intelligence. However, when it comes to our education system, they are extremely important because it is the way society measures intelligence, work ethic and effort.

I do not demand straight A’s. “Tiger mom” is not a title I hold. I am more of a Liger mom; the balance between hippie mindset and structured discipline. A’s and B’s are acceptable. I do not accept Mediocrity, which is what I refer to as C’s. This entire school year however has been a battle with getting C’s due to assignments not turned in or careless mistakes and not rechecking their work. This year I chose to give my 11 year old responsibility for his own grades.  I let go of checking everything piece of homework and every single assignment and product.

I checked grades 3 times a marking period and had a review on why they were slipping. When he told me it was because he didn’t understand the material I made sure I was available to go over anything he didn’t understand. In December, Santa bought Jayden a new special edition Xbox One. Santa wrote a note that unless grades improved, said Xbox could not be opened…. 5 months later… the Xbox is STILL in the unopened box.

Fast forward to yesterday. I go to check grades and find that he has a D in mathematics. The D was due to a 5 page assignment that was graded individually and he got a range of C’s-F’s on each one!

Enter the hulk. I yelled to the top of my lungs

 “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS JAYDEN!!!!” 

I lost any ounce of patience that I had left. I saw red and turned green. The exact things I said are a bit of a blur to me. I may have even used profanity. It was not my proudest moment but I lost all self-control. Emotions tend to do that to me. All forms of entertainment have been banned from now until the end of the school year. No TV, no playing with toys, no Electronics unless they are for educational purposes, no going over friends’ houses, NO FUN OF ANY KIND IS ALLOWED…Monday through Friday. He is to come home from school, redo failed assignments and complete I-ready.

This evening when I came home I was still fuming. But after guitar practice and homework review with Tristan I decided to watch some Ted Talks. I encountered a Colin Powell Ted Talk about children needing structure. My first instinct when my child fails is that somehow I am failing. I wanted to know if structure is somehow missing in Jayden’s life. I will always blame myself for my children failing. I once judged a close relative for stating “My children failing in life is not my fault, I did my part as a parent providing them with every opportunity.” Jayden was only in Kindergarten at that point so that statement seemed absurd to me. My first thought was, “no, you failed to provide structure for your children.”

My takeaway from the Colin Powell speech was that even when kids have structure they can still have mediocre grades in school. Apparently Colin Powell was a straight "C" student his entire life but somehow was extraordinary at following orders and eventually he became extraordinary at giving orders and managed to reach the highest rank in the military.

I decided to have Jayden watch the Ted talk with me. I had to summarize the speech for him to explain my analysis of it. I reiterated that it’s not the fact that he has a “D” that bothers me. Rather the fact that I know he is better than that. I told him it is ok to fail, but it is not ok to accept failure as an ultimate outcome. His teacher always tells her students: FAIL stand for First Attempt in Learning. It’s a wonderful message, but my first reaction to failing has always been to get overemotional and over react and release THE HULK. I usually need a day to return to my Bruce Banner alter ego. I return the same way as the comic book character always does, tattered, disoriented and filled with shame and guilt. But once I dust myself off, it is back to work to find the solution to my parenting hurdles: Which are just as complicated and difficult as physics and calculus.

Boys To Men Part 2

Three years ago I wrote a little post to accompany a graphic I worked on that contained the same exact Phillips Brooks quote. I first saw this quote when I dabbled in some scrap-booking.

The uncertainty of the future used to cause me some major anxiety. Imagining my boys' future, however gives me peace.

My ultimate favorite pastime with my boys is having conversation. Jayden, my eldest, hates it when I ask him about school. "Every day is the same thing." he tells me. Everyday we have the same conversation but every once in a while I hold a conversation with him that most adults would find hard to keep up with. Tonight we discussed an array of topics. It all started with him witnessing a phone call I made to the IRS. He was curious about what the IRS was and why they would owe me money. I began to explain taxes. I realized that I have to explain income. So I took out my last pay-stub and began my explanation. Pretty soon the conversation turned into an explanation on savings and the difference between credit and debit (not in accounting terms). We discussed the meaning of credit cards and loans. Something amazing happened. He tied in something he learned in school about what is is to buy something on credit. (Way to go Mrs. Puga on exposing her students to finance.)

"So you have learned something new in school! It's not really the 'same old-same old' is it!" I exclaimed. From there we discussed my goal of me saving to buy a house with a yard. I explained 401K and savings.

Eventually we discussed college. I told him that he should try his best to find what he truly loves to learn about so that he chooses the right field of study in college. I shared with him that I think he would be a good lawyer but he is not really comfortable defending people who are guilty. I explained to him he can work for the prosecution. This kid has a very high moral compass. He makes me proud everyday.

We discussed the importance of grades to get scholarships. I told him that regardless I would make sure his college is paid but to avoid private schools because I would never be able to afford that.
"So I can't go to Harvard?" he asked.
"Not unless you get a scholarship" I said. He pondered a bit.
"What's the best school for coding?" he asked.
"MIT" I said, "It's in Massachusetts."
"MASSACHUSETTS!!!! But I thought it was in California."

He makes me laugh. I wish I had recorded the conversation we had today. It was so complex and fascinating.

I ended the conversation by reiterating that the goal in life is to find something he loves to do and is good at. Find your passion. But then I ended on a joke after coming full circle and returning to wages and taxes and bills:

"Don't grow up Jayden, IT'S A TRAP!"

He laughed out loud  and referenced Star Wars. It was a perfect moment. It was a win for parenting and motherhood.

Typography Thursday: Art of Conversation

I follow this great site called Brain Pickings. They wrote this great piece about Barbara Walters. This article touched my soul in so many ways.

I have always felt that I lacked social skills, specifically in the art of conversation. I have never been one for group discussions. One on one interaction is what I excel at. I pride myself in being a great listener but sometimes I feel martyred when I am just "the listener." Barbara made a great point by saying "...when a conversation becomes a monologue, poked along with tiny cattle-prod questions, it isn't a conversation any more. It is a strained, manipulative game, tiring and perhaps even lonely."

Whoa! Barbara hit it right on the nail. At the end of certain monologues I feel extremely exhausted and all I was doing was listening! Obviously I was exhausted because I was an attentive listener and I was trying to form an opinion the whole time, only it was in my head. But Barbara is right. Those conversations are simply not conversations.

 However, they are necessary evils. Sometimes a friend just needs to vent, without judgement, without opinions. Individuals resolve problems when they speak their issues out loud. No one wants to look like the crazy person and talk to themselves. Except for myself, I talk to myself ALL the time. Especially at work. I am sure everyone thinks I am flying over the cuckoo's nest. But for those who are not as brave as I am, I will always be the person to stand next to you lending her ear. Barbara's words inspired me to make my first graphic since December 5th 2013!

This article also affected me by bringing up memories of my dad. I remember being around 8 or 9 and watching 20/20 with my dad. It's a delightful memory. I can even see us shouting out to the TV, " Hugh Downs and Barbara Walter, this is 20/20!"

I love when happy vivid memories are sparked in me.

The Loss of my Father to GBM: Part One

This might as well be the hardest post to start. It has been a good 5 months.

 For three months I was on auto pilot. It was my full intention to write about my family's journey through out the process but I just couldn't handle it  all. Taking care of a love one with an illness is the toughest thing a human doing can do. Being a caregiver to someone with GBM is soul sucking.

I know it's not easy to write about grief. Yet I am a bit hard on myself for not writing about it sooner. In November of last year I mentioned that my dad had an undesirable MRI scan result.

That news turned my life upside down, down upside, sideways and everything in between. I feel like I need to work my way up to the moment I actually lost my father to understand where my feelings stand. I will begin from that day I got the news of the MRI.

November 20, 2013 (exactly 8 months ago!)

I called my parents late that night to confirm with them that the kids and I were heading to Miami from Orlando for Thanksgiving break. My dad usually answers phone calls right away unless he is in the shower. So I didn't give it much thought. All of Thursday passed and I still didn't get a phone call returned. I didn't really give it much thought however until I tried to call again on Friday. First I called my mom's phone, no answer. Then I called, my dad's phone and still no answer. So I called my dad's phone again and my brother Carlos answered. I found it strange that he would answer my dad' phone. But that's as much thought as I put into it. I spoke to my brother and I spoke to my mom and I spoke to my dad. Although I spoke to all three it was by far the shortest conversation. I called later that night and I mentioned to my mom that it was odd that everyone spoke to me for like 2 seconds and they didn't even want to tell me where they were.

I'll never forget the words my mom said to me next, "We didn't want to tell you because we knew you were going to be driving down with the kids by yourself and we didn't want to worry you." Of course this is the translated version since she said it to me in Spanish. My heart sank right there. I mean, when you start with "we didn't want to worry you" all a human can do is WORRY.

That's when she told me that my dad had an MRI on Tuesday the 19th of November because he kept forgetting things and repeating himself. The MRI revealed a mass in the middle of his brain (the corpus collosum to be specific). They were instructed to admit him to the hospital on Wednesday (the day I tried calling them) to have a biopsy done. His doctor explained that they would have to really be aggressive to get him admitted since he never had headaches nor dizziness.

My dad could no longer be left alone. So when they took him to triage my other brother Beto wanted to go with him. My brother was instructed to stay outside. My brother was worried that my dad was going to say he was perfectly fine and feeling great. My dad walked out and asked "Beto, these people are asking me why I am here, why  am I here again?". That's when my brother was asked in and my dad was admitted.

Obviously this was told  to me on the phone. I tried to keep it together on the phone, but when I hung up I broke down! My hubby and I were going through something and we weren't even talking. I felt so alone so I ran to my in-laws and just broke down. At the end of my breakdown I felt like I overreacted since a biopsy hadn't even been done yet. But since the MRI read malignant and the size of 5 cm sounded disturbing to me, I knew...I just knew the reality of the situation.

Needless to say, I was filled with many emotions. Hope, however, was the least, since the last time I was hopeful when it came to cancer was when my nephew was diagnosed in 2007. He passed away a year after his diagnosis. So let's say I don't fuck with cancer. You say cancer to me and I am scared shitless. I was already angry at my hubby and now I had something else to be angry about.

As you can tell, I skipped the denial stage and jumped to the anger and bargaining in one straight swoop. 

So I drove down to Miami on Saturday morning never imaging that it would be the last time I would reside in Orlando. Never imaging how much my life and that of my entire family, would change drastically.

In the next couple of posts you will see that the longest stage was the depression. But we all knew that would happen with me.

Going through withdrawal.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

 Yesterday morning I listened to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart and emotions just started pouring in. When I think about him I can't help but have this glimmer of hope. I still love him. How is it possible to be so angry at someone you love? One thing I do know is that it's definitely not loneliness that I am feeling. I know this but I never felt more alone than when I was in the same room with him and It was like I didn't exist.  

But I guess I'm still in love with the illusion. I once read that love is 1/4 reality and 3/4 dream, and problems arise when you only fall in love with the dream. So yeah... I can be a testament to that.

The bold underlined parts of the lyrics are the ones that I always cry through as I sing them.

"Total Eclipse Of The Heart"

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

Away we go...separately.

I figured that it's best for everything bad to occur all at once.
My family is going through some unexpected and expected plot twists in this novel I like to call LIFE.

The unexpected plot twist is a story on it's own but the expected is what this post is about.

The father of my children and I have decided to call it quits. I have ruined our family's perfect record of everlasting love in both our families. I am feeling so much. Fear and devastation are my top emotions right now. Even though I was not happy before, I sure don't feel any better now. I just feel like a failure, which feels all too familiar.

So far it all feels surreal... I mean it has only been a day that it was made official.We had been falling apart for a while now and we were just avoiding the situation.

 A part of me finds it silly to be mourning this separation. It has been a long time coming. We had lost each other long ago but neither of us was ready to admit it. But when we were finally ready to admit it to each other, it was like ripping off a band-aid. We didn't even do it face to face. We were actually in different cities. But I think it worked for us. We both have a hard time putting feelings into verbal words. At least it wasn't on a post it!

 In the words of Edith Piaf, "Je ne regrette rien. Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal tout ca m'est bien egal." Which means: "I regret nothing. Not the good things that have been done to me nor the bad things, they are all the same to me." I received the most beautiful gifts from this chapter in my life, my two boys. Where there's a yin, there's a yang.

Well I did say I like new experiences and adventure. It can't get more adventurous and new than this.


How do I cope? Well since I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, I lose myself in thought to the musical styling of Of Monsters And Men. What an amazing album. I think soon I will change to The Civil Wars.

 I know that as soon as I get back in the work force I will no longer dwell on the subject. I have bigger problems to worry about now. 

Birthday Haiku for Luis

Today is a special day. The paternal grandfather of my children turns 65!

He has multiple layers. Besides being a dedicated father and grandfather he is a poet at heart.

In his honor I have written a Haiku. I am no poet myself but it does come from the heart.

LUCKY I AM TO

HAVE ONE FATHER IN MY LIFE...

FORTUITOUS TWO

WHY DO I DESERVE 

SUCH HONORS TO HAVE ANOTHER ?

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH.

THOUGH HE MAY NEVER

KNOW OF MY TRUE GRATITUDE

ADMIRE I WILL DO.

My Dad: The Modern Day Riddler

I love my dad to death. I fear that Jayden has his sense of humor.

My dad has jumped on the Facebook bandwagon along with the rest of the baby boomers.  He only knows how to make comments on other people's statuses. He never updates his status. He just likes to read about other people's lives look at pictures and comment here and there.

The other day I shared this e-card on my timeline:


with my status stating "I concur"

My dad then replies with his usual cryptic message: "YES LEONARDO DE CARPIO...... Next time you are in Miami, you should go to any VALSAN store to see the arrangement's of their products."

My dad always likes to make references to things that no one could ever get at first glance. So of course I had to write "I don't get the reference dad" but he never explains because he knows that his comment will need a dramatically long explanation.

A week later I call him on the phone to chat and ask about how things have been and somewhere in the conversations he says "did you read my comment?"

My dad does not understand that Facebook is something that gets updated every 5 minutes and asking someone if they read the comment they posted a week ago is like asking what did you have for lunch on May 13th 1995. After he refreshed my memory he started to explain by first asking me if I knew who Leonardo DiCaprio was. "Yes Dad"
Then he adds "Do you remember that movie where he was chased by the FBI agent?"
Me: "Are you referring to 'Catch Me If You Can'?"
My dad: "Yes that one, well remember the scene where he is pretending to be a doctor and obviously he didn't know what to do and he asked another doctor what he would do and he replied 'I concur', that's why I mentioned it"

That's my dad! Forget about "Kids Say the Darn-est Things,"
Retired technologically-challenged Dads Say the Darn-est Things!

The Valsan reference I did understand because he always goes on and on about how he loves that store because of how neatly organized everything is.

There's never a dull conversation, in writing nor in person, when it comes to my dad.

Revelations of One Day

Quick updates:

I have postponed my 21 Days Straight Challange. I wish I can say it was due to the fact that I had emergency surgery on March 28 to remove my gall bladder, but I had already willfully failed by March 15 because my Minecraft craft (hehe the repetition always makes me laugh..like RomCom Con, Happy Endings reference) consumed me for 3 days and I didn't go to the gym although I did remain active. Walking for 5 hours at a convention is a workout!

You are probably still wondering about the surgery. Even if you are not I will explain further anyway!
My son's fun exciting spring break was a bit foiled by my hospitalization. My "contributor" (who STILL has YET to post ANYTHING) and I had many fun activities planned for the kiddos. An accumulation of many unfortunate events occurred.  Some even on her part; wouldn't it be awesome if she posted about her side of the events! HINT HINT, wink wink, nudge, Morris code, smoke signals. 

The rainbow during the rain: I got my parents and one out of two brother's come visit me with his whole family utilizing my second brother's car. Ergo, my other brother did his part too =)

Now that we are all caught up I can start with my true purpose of this post; my revelations.

1) I only seem to dream when I am sleep deprived and extremely exhausted when I knock out.
2) I seem to be at my most productive, creative and ambitious when I dream
3) I just realized that there may be a confounding variable in my previous assumption: I may just very be having another manic episode. Are vivid realistic dreams a symptom of mania? Note to self: Google that.
4) Studying in a group may not be efficient (time management wise) but it sure is effective and mostly rewarding.
5) Being in my study group will always yield a proportion of half the time studying and half the time A.D.D.ing (yes, I use a noun as a present participle, I even like using it as a verb. After-after thought: I had to Google "present participle" too) with a standard deviation of .10
6) I have a hypothesis that states neediness and independence are not on the same spectrum but in fact are on two different spectrums. Meaning, I don't believe that becoming more independent will make you less needy. One factor will either make you more independent but not necessarily less needy.
7) 5 hour energy drinks are not ALWAYS effective.
8) You accept stranger's flaws but you should adore your true friends/soul mate's flaws. Ted Mosby knows a lot about the latter; then again he has spent over 8 years trying to find his children's mother.
9) Life is all about perspective and my change irradically sporadically (I seriously thought the opposite of radically was the former).
10) I lose my patience with my kids more than I like and I always regret it but in the heat of the moment my reaction is ALWAYS faster than my thought process.
11) I am almost positive my children will grow up never doubting if they're loved , if I support them, if they're awesome, if they're important, if they're appreciated.
12) I do however think that what they think makes me awesome will then be interpreted as "crazy" when they get older and develop their cognitive abilities.
13) Opposites may attract but they also create too much friction (Insert Sheldon Cooper's correction here).
14) For a person that is not really a Big Bang Theory fan I always find myself thinking "how would Sheldon Cooper respond to that?"
15) Telling my hubby he's not affectionate enough does not yield the results I desire.
16) I compensate for my hubby's lack of affection toward me by being overly affectionate towards him.
17) I will graduate with my A.S. with enough credits to have obtained a B.S/B.A.
18) My bumpy start with college 10 years ago have developed me to be a better learner.
19) I truly believe things happen for a reason but not necessarily are predestined.
20) These were too many revelations for one day.

The last one may or may not have been a revelation as much as an after though. I really wanted to end on an even number.

Feelings/Nerd Wars

It seems that I am trying to make up for the many months I did not post anything. Or a clinical psychologist would say I am having a manic episode. I happen to like my manic episodes. I am at my very best. The other pole puts me in a dark and twisty place (Grey's Anatomy reference) and I lose my incentive to want to write about anything! Depression sucks!

Whenever I am extra sensitive about things I feel like this:

Writing is the only way I can release all those feelings. I can't comprehend why the words I have in my mind cannot transfer to my vocal chords and shoot out of my mouth! It is beyond aggravating. I think it has to do with fear. The fear of what people will think about me. Then again if that is the case then why can I so easily put it in writing. I guess it's easier for me to filter myself in writing. I am contently worried about saying the wrong thing.

I don't like to offend people. I offend myself when I offend others. I care what other people think way too much. Don't try to tell me "it doesn't matter what people think." I can't help myself. I wish I was like Jennifer Lawrence. She is so freaking charismatic that it doesn't matter when what comes out of her is ridiculous. Maybe it's because she is gorgeous. Are people more accepting of people's mistakes if they are really good looking?

You know who else I admire and hate at the same time. This girl: Danielle from Nerd Wars

People with no filter are annoying to me! Yet I also admire that. Hence the love/hate relationship. If you haven't watched Nerd Wars you have to. It's freaking awesome! Jayden LOVES her. 

I just realized Madeina is like her in many way (minus the crying a lot). So if Danielle is Madeina then I must be Genevieve. 

Yup. Sounds about right. 

This also means Karol would be Celeste:

The sweet and "innocent" one trying to fly under the radar! Now go watch the Nerd Wars if you are a self proclaimed nerd!

Meet my newest contributor!

So obviously I have not been keeping up with my blog. I figured I should probably have a partner in crime. That way when I have nothing to say someone else can come in and put in their two cents.

Meet Madeina (pronounced Mah-DAY-nah) Exotic, I know. But you can call her Maddie, Maddy, MadiSin. She won't mind...I think. She is married to my baby daddy's brother. I call her my sister-in-law. We practically act like sisters, or other's may say... nemeses. Tomayto, Tomahto.

Well, she's my unofficial future editor. She believed in me when I told her I wanted to start a blog. She is the person I know will ALWAYS read my newest post. She LOVES to read so I trust her judgement. Remember how passionate Belle was in Beauty and the Beast? Well she shares the same love for books. Her nose is always stuck in a book.

She told me once that she wanted to write a book. I have been trying to convince her to start writing her own blog but for some reason she has some apprehension about it. I asked her to be one of the authors on my blog and she said yes. I hope she meant it because I expect to see something soon! Madeina and I are very alike in some ways and very different in many other ways. We very much disliked each other in the beginning but then realized we just clashed. Now we tolerate each other. When something irks me now I simply walk away. But she can get under my skin. And she knows it. I believe she ravishes in the idea she can get me all hot and bothered.

 I wish I was as witty as she is. I admire her for her snaps. I can never come up with a comeback. I won't discuss her flaws because it would not be very lady like. I try to always focus on the best in people.

We both like to live in fictional worlds, hence the book reading. We talk about TV shows like it was our real life. "Can you believe Wade cheated on Zoe! He is such a douche!." She calls me a weirdo, a dork, and crazy all the time. I simply say "Birds of a feather."

I am super excited to read her first contribution.

My First Born

"First day of school! First day of school! Get up! Get up!" I love that part in Finding Nemo. 

That's what I had on my mind when I woke up and that's what I said to Jayden. The school year just began but I know it will be gone in a blink of an eye. I still remember when he was in pre-K. It seems like it was just yesterday. I feel like Kindergarten and First grade went by way too fast. 

Jayden Lay is 7 years old at the beginning of 2nd grade.

Favorite color: Red

Favorite book: Captain Underpants (his first chapter book!)

Favorite foods: Fruits & Pizza (just not together)

Favorite letter: N (just because he likes it)

Favorite song: "I'm sexy and I know it"

Favorite TV Show: Ninjago

Favorite Movie: Shaolin Soccer

Favorite sport: Soccer

Favorite video game: Halo Reach 

I can't wait to see how much he grows and changes at the end of 2nd grade.

Boys to Men

Getting all pumped up for the first day of school got me all motherly. Once again I can't just live in the moment. I started thinking about the kind of men my boys will grow up to be: More specifically their occupations.

Do you think that Barrack Obama's mom looked at him when he was baby and said "I just know you will be president some day"?

I know that certain children are born into affluentual families and are destined to continue in the family business. Some take their place willingly others go in fighting and screaming. Then there are the few that want to make their own mark in the world unobstructed by nepotism. When I become a rich entrepreneur (took me a while to figure out how to spell that: Don't judge me!) I would hope my sons would carry on the family business but I would not force them into it. I guess that choice becomes harder with 3rd generation family corporations. 

I try to tell my sons everyday that it doesn't matter what they chose as a career as long as they are happy with their choice. I can't wait to see the type of men they will become. The opportunities are endless. 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

I relate this Alexander Pope excerpt from Eloisa to Abelard to my best friend “Karen”.  The obvious reason being, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind is one of her favorite movies. Who doesn’t love Jim Carey in a serious yet still funny role? The second reason, a more earnest reason, is my analysis of this quote. It reminds me of Karen’s demeanor. Here is my analysis:

How happy is the blameless vesta’s lot!

To me that line means the writer is amazed at the happiness of an innocent & pure individual’s fortune.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Even though the rest of the world has forgotten the pure minded, they in turn have also forgotten the rest of the world.

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind!

Their happiness is never fading and radiant. The spotless mind is referring to the same innocent & pure individual’s thoughts. Their thoughts are clear of evil.

Each pray’r accepting, and each wish resign’d.

This last line deals with a relation with God. What is more pure than one that is dedicated to God? The individual is pure because they relinquish earthly desires and are capable of accepting God.

Spirituality and religion is a topic that Karen and I ALWAYS touch up on when we are together. Even as 18 year old wild girls we would have a long conversation about it after a long night of partying. One of the most memorable conversations was on a beach, under the glistening of the moon light. It was quite magical. At that point of my life I was referring to myself as an atheist because I didn’t believe in God. Later on in my life I realized that I hated being referred to as an atheist. “You have to believe in something” everyone would say. I have never been able to explain to people that I am not an atheist. I just don’t believe in God the way the majority of people believe in God. In laments terms, I don’t believe in God as an actual individual up in heaven really listening to people’s concerns and guiding them when asked. I do believe in human connection. I believe there is an invisible force that links every living thing to each other. You don't have to believe in God to believe in good. But that’s a topic on itself. Back to Karen.

She is a genuinely a pure person. She never wishes ill thoughts upon anyone & never causes harm on anyone. In fact she sees the good in everyone. Even in a selfish unfit mother. She gives people the benefit of the doubt. She does believe there are evil people in the world. But she just thinks they haven’t been put in a situation powerful enough to see the light.

She also sees the positive side of every situation.  She put herself in a bad situation once and her fortune hasn’t been the greatest. No one should have to pay for their mistakes forever. People who do bad things are not bad. They just make bad choices. She truly is a good human being. She deserves to be happy.

When I get to hang out with her it is always bittersweet. We always have a good time together. Not to mention it’s a wonderful release from motherhood. But when it ends it breaks my heart. I don’t know when we will have a moment like that again. We suck at planning night outs and our moods rarely coincide with each other. When I am up she’s down, when she’s down I am up. But I know that time will eventually come. Besides isn’t that what friendship is about: Picking up where you left off. Her goodness truly inspires me. I always wish I was as tolerant as she is. Instead of criticizing people and wondering what those people should be doing, she truly accepts their flaws knowing that they just need time.

People think she’s crazy and a little out there. I see her as a beautiful human being, inside and out.

One day UPDATE! I am pleased you introduce you to my friend "Karen." She use to to tell me she thought blogging was silly. Look at her now! She has been inspired. Eternal Sunshine of the Hippie Mind

Family Outing: Cocoa Beach

I don't give the beach enough credit. I always wonder what all the beach lovers big deal is? I think what discourages me from being a beach lover is the required prep work. Planning is a necessity with 3 boys who have black wholes as stomachs. I always need to take hefty sandwiches, a variety of fruits, donuts/cookies/cupcakes and soda. However if I was to win the lottery I would absolutely invest in a beach house. With a fully stocked refrigerator and pantry. It doesn't even have to have bedrooms. The whole house can just be one large kitchen with a couple of airbeds.  Even my husband mentioned it as we were getting there. "We should just move here and live at the beach." He is notorious for his dead-serious impromptu decisions. If I would have agreed he would have done it. 

One thing is for sure. If I owned a beach house my sister-in-law & my dad would fight for it. Those are the beach bums in the family. My dad always likes to reminisce about how his best memories were when he worked & lived on the beach. He went for a morning swim every single day before work. 

People say the beach is really far away from where we live. I say it takes the same time as if we were going to the beach in Miami...in traffic. The only pitfall of getting to the beach from where we live...the tolls! Before we got to the beach we wanted to surprise Jayden with a body board. We bought him a cheap Target one last year and we ended up leaving it in pieces at the beach. We figured we should invest in a good quality board. Of course if you are going to boogie board you must have a rash guard. In addition, Tristan needs one too. We bought him a cheap one. How much boarding is he really going to do? As we are paying for parking my husband says "We haven't even gotten to the beach and we've already spent like $100.00" I laughed. It was true. Between food, tolls, equipment, parking & gas it was about $100.00. I hate seeing "going to the beach" under "free family activities." LIES!!! The beach is no where near free. It is not even an affordable family activity! But it is worth every penny. My kids love the beach. I love watching them play in the sand & the water. Jayden was so proud that he was able to catch many waves and ride them all the way to the shore. Tristan, just likes pulling the board. 

Tristan loves being carried in the water. He fully enjoys jumping waves. His favorite moment was being chased by his daddy on the sand. I like being in the water but not with waves. I also like just laying on the sand and literally be a beach bum. As we were having lunch my hubby was already thinking about what we were going to eat after the beach. On the way home we stopped at a local pizzeria. The pizza was really good. It was a great family outing. We'll have to go back again before summer is over.

Unconditional Love = liking a person all the time?

One of my favorite lines from a movie is "I Love you {Benny], but I don't have to like you right now".

 Name that movie! That's right, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Another chick flick reference, surprise, surprise.

I use that line ALL the time. With my hubby, my children, friends & family. Regardless of what someone I love does to me, no matter how angry you make me I'll still love you. You better believe I won't like you for a while. In fact, I will give you the mother of all attitudes. When you do something that hurts me the hulk comes out. Mind you, my hulk is pink & bedazzled but she's still a bitch. Like the hulk, I change back pretty quickly. Looking back on my past I have never shunned anyone I loved for all eternity. Correct me if I am wrong. If a friendship ended it was because the other party had no unconditional love for me.

Through out my childhood and early adulthood I believed my mother's love was conditional. It is so true when parents say, you'll understand what I am doing once you become a parent. Parents! If they are not abusive, they ARE always right. It makes me a little mad. I'm not mad that they were right, I am mad that I did not realize it sooner. The day I realized that parents really do know it all was the day I found out I was pregnant with Jayden. A month earlier my mom had asked me "are you pregnant?"  It was so random. I was not nauseated. But she said she had a feeling. I did not know it at the time but I was pregnant. My father calls me every time I am feeling blue and tells me "remember we are always here for you". Also very randomly without me voicing my emotions. The bond of a parent and child, powerful stuff!

Anyway, what I thought it was conditional love but it was just tough love. I read somewhere that unconditional love meant that your feelings should not change based on the other's person behavior. Is love really loving EVERYTHING about a person ALL THE TIME?  Is that really possible? I think not. I really have a low tolerance for shenanigans. But remember: ♪♫ AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUU-OOOOOOHHHH♪♫. You guys know who you are. If you question whether or not I love you. Just ask! 

Love & Marriage

Over the weekend for my mom's 70th birthday celebration I came to the realization of something. Maybe not really a realization, but it definitely got me thinking about love, marriage & communication. My family, as crazy and dysfunctional we may be, have beaten the odds at something. We have all been together with our significant other's for what feels like forever. With the exception of my brother's 1st marriage that lasted literally a day, so I don't count that (it may have even been annulled, he was like 18 and no kids were involved), and my parents getting divorced for legal reasons but never separated, there are no broken families within our family. So what's the secret to a successful marriage/partnership?

Every couple is different and you have to do what works for you.

I think one of the biggest mistakes woman make is comparing their relationships to their friends, family members and worst, fictional characters in books, T.V. and movies. I am totally guilty on the last one. It totally bothers my hubby. That's why he hates watching romantic comedies with me.

I started analyzing my immediate family's relationships & gathered this. To some people being overly opinionated & blunt works, to others it's the opposite: lack of communication. Forgiveness, acceptance, toleration, sacrifice, perseverance, separation, dedication, thirst for adventure (be it miserable or fun), jealousy, overcoming tragedy, blissful denial, psychosis, courage, ying/yang, critical, chaotic, 50/50, 90/10, 60/40...it all adds up to 100%. Most of these are not characteristics with positive connotations but that's what my family is made of. Want to hear another insane statistic: My hubby's family is also the same way. His parents have been together for almost 40 years, his brother for 14 years, us almost 10 years & his sister going on to 5 years. We may all be dysfunctional but we are functional as a family. Like I always say; There is an order to my disorder.

While speaking to my family this weekend I was a little surprised to find out that my eldest brother's secret is LACK of communication. He says that he learned from our dad to never talk about your feelings. 

Men! Typical. However what he doesn't share is how bad he feels. He said that he doesn't worry his wife about issues with work or any negative feelings. They only discuss happy things.

My parents: Sacrifice, perseverance, and adaptability.

My parents were together for over 15 years before I came to be. I am not sure how they made it that far but I know how they have made it ever since. My parents legally divorced when I was born because I came as a surprise. I believe my dad was laid-off & freaking out about how he was going to provide for this new baby. My dad moved to NYC to support us from abroad. My mom and I spent the next 6 years back and forth from Honduras to NYC. 

So apparently my parent's first secret to a marriage is learning to have a long distance committed relationship. Most people may think that my dad obviously fooled around with other women being so far away. To those people I say, you don't know my dad. My dad has been madly in love with my mom from the very beginning. As a matter of fact he pursued her and she had no interest in him. I think it is safe to say that my dad loves my mom more than my mom loves my dad. Obviously that's ok, we just need to learn to let go of that resentment. When my mom finally moved to the States, the reunion between her and my dad was short lived. The family decided to move to Florida. My mom and I came down first but my dad never found a job that paid him as well as the one he was in. So they spent the next 10 years long distance...again. 

My parents just recently started living together again after my dad was laid off from his job in NYC after 25 years. It is like they never lived apart. They have assimilated into their cohabitation (not at all smoothly), but they make it work. In the words of Project Runway's Tim Gunn: MAKE it work. Another secret to a successful partnership.

That's a little inside on some of my family's relationships. I shall elaborate on my other brother's & mine a little later on in a different post.

Bottom-line:

Don't fall into the "norm" of what SHOULD be a successful marriage. Don't follow society's expectations. Newsflash! Society does not have it right! Look at divorce rates. Sure all those quotes about love are cute & dreamy. I have them all pinned. Who doesn't love the illusion of Utopian Love? See it this way. There is the theory of what love should be, but theories are challanged everyday and no one can really prove them right nor wrong. Here's the definition;

Theory: a proposed explanation whose status is still conjectural ( problematical) and subject to experimentation, in contrast to well-established propositions that are regarded as reporting matters of actual fact.


In my eyes, it boils down to this: commitment, hope, family and love. So experiment but maintain your partner as your constant variable (science joke, and yes I laugh at my own jokes).

What have you seen work in marriages, partnerships and relationships? Oh oh oh, book suggestion on the matter. True Love by Robert Fulghum. If you find a hard copy with a lot of notes and highlights it's my copy. I lost it in a move a long time ago. =) It looks like this:

Family is Family

If what happened today had happened 5 years ago I would have been curled up in fetal position giving in to defeat. I am always amazed at how much I have grown.

The kids and I came to visit family in Miami. It happened to be that my brother & his family (wife & 3 kids) also came to Miami. Yesterday we made it a beach day.It was my Parents (2), my brother with his family (5) & me with the kids (3). In total 10 people... and just one car. I had to make 2 trips. To most people that sounds insane. I honestly don't mind doing it. I never see family as an inconvenience. I wanted to spend time with my family that I do not get to see too often, only 1 car was rented (and my parents don't drive) so I did what needed to be done.The alternative of being cooped up in a tiny apartment is more displeasing than making a 20 minutes one way trip 4 times. Boy did we have fun.

Jayden also has another cousin from his dad's side that lives here in Miami. He would have a fit if we didn't get to see him on our trip. I planned a second nice beach day with my sister-in-law, Jayden's cousin, Jayden, Tristan & me. ETD was suppose to be 11:00 a.m. My sister-in-law was going to be dropped off by her husband & we would leave from my parent's house straight to the beach. Surprise surprise things did not go as planned. At 11:00 a.m. I get a call thinking they were downstairs...but they weren't. They were stranded on the expressway because their car broke down.

On my way out to pick them up, my brother tells me to wait for him because he would like a ride to the airport. He decides to tell me the minute he needs to leave. He didn't bother to tell me the night before. I tell him he needs to wait because I have to pick someone up that's stranded. My sister-in-law had called Triple A, and asked me to pick them up. When I ask where they are, they tell me they were by a specific exit. So I get on the exit before that one, get to the spot where they supposedly are, but nothing. I call and they realize that they are not on that exit but rather at a sign that says that exit is coming up. So I get back on the express way on an exit that I assumed was further back, but I still didn't see them. Get back on the expressway AGAIN...mind you this is a toll road. I finally see them as I am going on the opposite direction of the highway. They were on a spot in the expressway where 2 expressway join together and I have to get on the turnpike first to get to that expressway. I am finally on the right tract when by some chance I totally missed them and ended up back where I started!!!!!! Finally I circle back around & find them.

View Larger Map

I went from "A" to  the dot about 3 times & from "A" to "B" twice. In my defense they were on the exit road not on the actual expressway. As they are getting in the car, I inform my sister-in-law that we are still not ready to head to the beach. I took Tristan with me to rescue my sister-in-law. We had to drive back to my parent's house, drop off the kids, pick my my brother & his wife to take them to the airport.

My brother has the audacity to tell me before we go to the airport we have to go to my other brother's house to pick something up. He doesn't even know whether he is home or not. I am literally on the road while he's calling my other brother who doesn't answer when I tell him: there is no way in hell I am going there if no one is home. We headed to the airport. Dropped him off, he tells me to pick him up Friday.

 "Um, I leave back home Friday" I say.

 "Just stay an extra day, and i'll pay the additional days of the rental", he says. Gotta love my brother. So my sister-in-law and I head back to the house to pick up the kids & finally head to the beach. We got to the beach at 3:00 p.m.

You know how they say it's not the destination that matter, but rather the journey? Well the journey makes the trip but the destination is still important. You still need to reach the destination! I was determined to make it to the beach eventually, and we did. Boy did we make the best of that beach day. The only thing missing were our men to carry all the supplies. Once again...What A Great Day! It was a super way to spend the day together.

Mom's 70th Birthday!

I know it has been a while since I last published something. It's something that was on my to do list but not on my "must-be-done" list. Also I had not been in much of a good mood lately. I didn't want to write about anything gloomy but now I have a happy topic to blog about. Today is my mom's 70th Birthday! Meet my mother, Reina Isabel. My lovely mother. This is the mother of 3 kids, grandmother to 8+ (plus being all the "adopted" grandchildren she has gained along the way.) People say I neither look like her nor have her personality, I kinda take the lather as offensive. My mom has an awesome personality, are they trying to tell me I don't?

I have never seen 70 look so good! Everyone is always shocked when I tell people her age. I know what you are thinking: "How dare you tell people your mother's real age!" But lying, or being secretive about her age is not my mom's style. She is not ashamed of who she is or what she is. And she shouldn't. What she is... is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.


My mother is such a lovable person. She will talk to everyone & anyone. This woman is a ball of sunshine. She is the hardest worker & doesn't live to impress other people. When ever she wears something that may be viewed as "outdated" & I try to encourage her to change her outfit she tells me: "I don't dress for other people, I like to wear what I like." Did I mention she is also wise? My mother has more amazing qualities than anyone I know. I wanted her to feel as special as she is for her birthday. Even though there was no million dollar party ( she would just say is a waste of money) she had a happy birthday. All her kids & grand-kids (one in spirit) were gathered just for her.

My one & only niece.



I had found this awesome idea to make a picture collage on pinterest. My only niece, my mother's 1st & only granddaughter, scanned a bunch a pictures of my mom & emailed them to me. I edited them & printed them through snapfish. They have really good quality prints. Forming the pictures into a huge 70 was a headache. I wanted it to be perfect. I must have built it about 5 times until I was pleased with the look of it. It took me like 3 hours, nothing compared to the 10 hours of labor she endured for me =)




My mom & I don't live in the same city. I try to visit every 3 months. Her birthday is a must! What's a birthday without balloons! My niece & I both agreed on the colors. I liked silver for it's elegance & the yellow for sunshine & happiness...all qualities my mom possesses.






My nephew, sister-in-law, niece, mom, son, dad & my parent's adoptive granddaughter.



The celebration was at my brother's house. We were celebrating his birthday which was the night before. At midnight we started celebrating my mom's birthday. The girls got all dressed up for the occasion.




My oldest, Jayden, fell asleep. But his little brother, Tristan, was up to help grandma start her birthday with a bang. Learn a little more about them here.




My mom loved her "70" collage. I can't wait to celebrate her 80th birthday!

Family Outing: Car Masters

Last weekend we went to Downtown Disney's Car Masters. Tristan loves Cars 2 so I figured he would enjoy it. Jayden loves downtown disney period. The hubby decided to partake in the activities so he gets some brownie points. Remember this? Not only did he agree to go he even got up early (without me having to assist) because I told him the event started at 9:30 a.m. If anyone cares to know it takes 3 hours to get a family of 4 ready. In three hours everyone was fed, bathed, dressed (in pressed clothing might I add) & in the car. We left the house at 10:30 a.m. I have been to car shows before but this was by far the best. Despite the 90 degree weather, the day was very enjoyable. A successful family outing includes the hubby not being crabby. This was a wonderful memory for the books.

Smiles of happy children make me smile.

There were many antique mustangs there. It is still on my bucket list to own a '69 mustang. Our favorite car however was the red wagon car! I was excited because Tristan's 3rd birthday is going to be red wagon theme.

The one & only picture of mom.

I am always busy documenting our family's memories. I guess being stuck behind the lens goes with the territory of being a mom, but would it kill the hubby to say "here honey let me take a picture of you and the kids." I had to tell my hubby to take this picture. I shouldn't need to ask him to take a picture! I felt like I needed to rant a little about that. 

One of the highlights of the trip was seeing Chip Foose in person! We love watching Overhaulin'! 

Jayden loved seating in a camaro. However he is like his mother. He wants his first car to be a mustang. He does not want a vintage one. He wants a new one. He will get whatever mustang I can afford when he turns 16! That seems so far away but I know that I will blink and he will be sixteen. 

Tristan turning 16 seems even further away. I can't even imagine him starting kindergarten yet, much less driving a car!

They did have Lightning Mcqueen, Mater, and that Missile guy from Cars 2. However the line was way too long. Making long lines with a 2 year old is unbearable. But they did have awesome topiaries.

Jayden has a new obsession with hula hoops. He can hula hoop all day.

No trip to Downtown Disney would be complete without stopping by the Lego store. Legoland is on our to do list. Hopefully we can go with some of his friends or cousins.

We ended the day by watching MIB3. Great movie. Once again successful family outing. I am looking forward to some more happy memories. I will make sure there is more evidence that I too was there.